Lord Darcy: Yes, I’m Colm Wilkinson. Welcome to my castle. I’m totally not a hater on you Catholic peasants, mostly because I don’t have a lot of guns.

Peasants: We come in peace – shoot to kill, men.

Darcy: *pens letter to king* Dude, this is totally not my fault. And I’m way not Catholic, either.

Henry: Damned leg boo-boo! Damned quack doctors!

Doctors:

Henry: Darcy had better kill those bloody peasants, too. Where’s Charles Brandon? And Shrewsbury? Why doesn’t anybody do what I tell them to?

Darcy, Brandon, Shrewsbury: *are incompetent*

Henry: *massages temple in manner of Scar in The Lion King* I’m surrounded by idiots.

Ulcerating sore on Henry’s leg: Haha! I laugh at your pathetic poultices!

Henry: Damn my leg hurts. I need a topless doctor.

Sir Francis Bryan: My eyepatch is wicked cool. I know some hot chicks who will totally party with you.

Hot chick: Would your majesty like anything else? *bowchickabowbow*

Henry: Sir Eyepatch, you are totally my new BFF for this!

Random cardinal: The pope wants you to write something to tell everyone Henry sucks and his friends all suck and the Pope totally rules. We’ll give you this fly red hat if you do it.

Reginald Pole: I have a bad feeling about this.

Robert Aske and peasants: We’re still pissed off, and Brandon doesn’t have enough soldiers to kill us.

Brandon: You guys totally suck! Go away or I keel you all!

Peasants: Uh-huh

Brandon: Dude, I thought we were homies. BFFs. What the dillio?

Peasants: Henry sucks. We want to tell him so.

Brandon: Um. Darcy, why are you here?

Darcy: I’m Colm Wilkinson.

Brandon: Right. Want to kill some peasants with me?

Darcy: No, I’m BFFs with them now.

Brandon:

Henry: I hope no one notices my bad leg.

Jane: Henry will love me if I pretend I can’t smell his leg. By the way, husband, I brought your daughter to court. We’re homies cause we’re both Catholic. Did I say that out loud?

Princess Mary: What up, y’all?

Henry: Is she still a virgin? Eyepatch, go find out.

Sir Francis: *makes repellent pass at Mary*

Mary: A sphincter says what?

Sir Francis: What?

Mary: A sphincter says what?

Sir Francis: Totally a virgin.

Henry: I’m a totally rockin’ king. Y’all peasants all suck for saying I suck. Catholicism sucks and so do you!

Robert Aske and peasants: We’re still BFFs, dude.

Henry: GOD’S HOLY WORD! Ignorant peasants!

Peasants: Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!

Henry: I keel you all! But if you go away, I won’t make Brandon kill you all.

Sir Francis Eyepatch: *is suddenly ubiquitous*

Peasants: Brandon, the king is full of crap, and we’re totally not going home. Tilling fields sucks.

Brandon: I’m a nice guy, can’t you just go away so I don’t have to kill you?

Peasants: No.

Brandon:

Thomas Cromwell: I’m not dead yet.

Jane: Seriously, people would like you better if you stopped trashing the abbeys.

Henry: Get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!

Jane:

Spanish guy: Hi, I’m Spanish. We’re an entire country who all wear black, apparently. What up, new cardinal?

Reginald Pole: I told everyone that Henry sucks, but we really need support to say it better. Mary’s Catholic *winkwinknudgenudge*

Spanish guy: Well, we do like Mary, cause she’s totally Spanish.

Reginald Pole: I could be king.

Spanish guy: Who are you again?

Robert Aske: The king likes us again!

Peasant: Cromwell still sucks though!

Peasant: I got this spam that says the king secretly wants to kill us!

Peasant: Naaaaaaaaaaaah.

Bowl of starfruit: I’m randomly exotic and pretty.

Henry: I know we said we wouldn’t kill the peasants, but Brandon, go kill them.

Brandon: They still say Cromwell sucks, though. What should I tell them?

Henry: Whatever, I don’t care anymore, I’m eating starfruit.

Brandon:

Robert Aske and peasants: We are totally homies, Brandon. If you kill Cromwell and his posse and destroy all the Protestant cack. By the way, we really like Princess Mary.

Brandon: Let’s talk about that later, okay?

Peasants: Right, let’s go home, then. We totally trust the king, he’s not at all capricious and crazy.

Robert Aske: Hey, the king wants me to come party with him at Christmas right after I led a rebellion against him! That’s not at all suspicious!

NEXT EPI:

Jane: I’m knocked up! Now that I’ve managed that, I’m totally bringing your other possibly-illegitimate daughter to court!

Henry: SIKE! I totally will kill all you peasants!

Brandon: Where’s the Witness Protection Program when you need it?