Cromwell: The Emperor wants to talk about who’s going to marry Princess Mary.

Henry: Whatever. Check out my toy boat.

Cromwell: Um. Reginald Pole, your cousin, is a cardinal now, and wrote this pamphlet about how much you suck.

Henry: I paid for his ass to learn to write.

Cromwell: This is totally not my fault

Henry: My toy boat really kicks ass.

Robert Aske: *is going to be hanged*

Mini-Brandon: Right on ya for killing the peasants, Dad.

Brandon:

Lady Brandon: Try not to kill too many people.

Brandon: At least I have my hot armor on again.

Red-headed Darcy Lackey: I have a name!

IMDb: You do not appear to be the guy from 13th Warrior after all.

Red-headed Darcy Lackey: Hey, please don’t kill me. I’ll sign this thing that says the king is our new pope.

Judge: The king will show you mercy

Brandon’s soldiers: *killing anything that moves*

Brandon: This season bites. Um, you traitorous villains! I totally will keel all of… oh, fuck it. Soldiers, kill them. I’m going to the pub.

Henry: I totally like my wife again now that she’s knocked up. I love her so much that I might not even sleep with my mistress today.

Jane: I’m gonna wash that man right outta my… what?

Brandon: God is gonna get me. Stupid king

Priest: Robert Aske, I am your homie.

Robert Aske: *is wrapped in chains* I’m a little peeved right now, dude. Cromwell totally sucks.

Priest: How can I help you?

Robert Aske: Have you seen me? I’m screwed. Oh, but you can take the rhinestone Princess Mary gave me, and give it to my wife.

Brandon: I killed a thousand people today. I must get up very early in the morning.

Jane: Check out my bump, bitches.

Court lackeys: The Queen is knocked up!

Henry: Eyepatch, go tell King Francois how much Reginald Pole sucks, and get him to let you kill ol’ Reggie.

Sir Eyepatch: That sounds like a downer.

Henry: What the hell good are you, then? Bring him to me alive *sinister eyebrow twitch*

Sir Eyepatch:

Jane: Bro, what is Cromwell up to now?

Edward: Taking bribes, what does it look like?

Jane: OMG that sucks.

Edward: He gives Henry a cut. Who cares?

Jane:

Sir Eyepatch: Hey Queen’s Sister-in-Law, want a quickie before I leave to kill a cardinal?

Mrs. Seymour: We might get caught.

Sir Eyepatch: And?

Mrs. Seymour: That’s hot.

Aske family: Dad?

Mrs. Aske: WTF. Why are you in chains?

Robert Aske: I’m a bad, bad man.

Mrs. Aske:

Brandon: *is wearing a kick-ass outfit to the hanging*

Robert Aske: I have a long religious monologue before I die. It’s in my contract. Oh and Suffolk, I totally forgive you for letting Cromwell hang me.

Brandon:

Cromwell: Haha, I totally pwned all the rebel scum. I rule.

Sir Eyepatch: Yo, Frenchy, can I have that cardinal? I brought the queen’s other brother along. Apparently she has more than one.

Frenchman: Your muzzer was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries.

Sir Eyepatch: Henry is crazy and will keel you all.

Frenchman: Uh-huh. Have a nice day.

Sir Eyepatch: Even though Henry told me to bring Pole back along, I’m totally going to kill him.

Spanish Ambassador: What up, ur majesty. We really want Princess Mary to marry the Portuguese prince. He’s really awesome.

Henry: My daughter kind of sucks. Will he be nice to her?

Spanish Ambassador: He might be gay.

Henry: Maybe you should run along.

Spanish Ambassador: I’ll just go talk to Mary behind your back.

Henry and Jane:

Mary: I really have great hair. Check out my fly headdress, too.

Spanish Ambassador: The Don totally would be a good hubby to you. Your mom would have liked him.

Mary: Is he hot?

Spanish Ambassador: Uh, sure. And not gay at all.

Mary:

Henry: Hey religious people that I own, why do you not do what I tell you? I’m the pope now! Get your shit together.

Jane: Henry! Drop everything and come feel the baby kick!

Henry: It’s totally a boy! You’re the best wife EVER!

Mini-Brandon: What’s wrong Dad?

Brandon: It’s all right, Daddy’s just having a wee little hallucination of one of the peasants I killed.

Mini-Brandon:

Henry: Edward, when my wife has her baby, I want you to set fire to anything that will burn as celebration.

Edward Seymour: Awesome. Hey, uh, is Cromwell cool?

Henry: Why does everyone want to meddle? Did I mention how I killed the brother of my last wife?

Edward:

Jane: Hey, lady-in-waiting, I know you’re doing my husband. Whoops, my water just broke.

*exciting music*

Henry: Get everyone in to watch! And tell the world my wife’s in labor! Tell Cromwell I won’t kill him if it’s a boy!

Jane: Y’all might think this rules, but it sucks for me.

Historical Accuracy: Will I show up today? Who knows!

Mary: My dead mother will totally help you have this baby, Stepmom. Catholic sisterhood ftw!

Jane: Whatever.

Henry: Please be a boy, please be a boy! Why is this taking so long?

Brandon: I swear, I don’t feel bad about killing all those people. Really. Seriously. The king told me to, and he’s the pope now. So it was okay. Right? Right.

Lady Brandon: I’m pregnant.

Brandon: What?

Jane: Longest. Labor. Ever.

Doctors: *ominous music* This is a scalpel.

Jane:

Historical Accuracy: We’re discussing c-sections! I’m outta here! The real queen died almost two weeks after having Edward VI, and therefore could not possibly have had a c-section, which always resulted in death then.

Edward: IT’S A BOY!

Henry: I knew I picked a winner this time! Who’s the man!

Jane: Historical Accuracy and I have decided to be besties after all. I did not have a c-section.

Princess Mary: Good one. High five!

Henry: I will love him, and hug him, and squeeze him, and call him Edward the Sixth.

Princess Elizabeth: Having a brother is cool, but chicks rule.

Princess Mary: Boys are more important.

Elizabeth: Whatever.

Princess Mary: I am totally godmother!

Doctor: Um, your majesty, the queen’s gonna die.

Henry: Dammit! I wasn’t even going to kill this one!

Jane: Sorry, dude, my contract only goes through this episode.

NEXT WEEK:

Henry:

Cromwell: I am sooooo screwed.

Brandon:

Cromwell: I’ll distract him with a new wife. That will totally work.