Assasssin: Are you Cromwell’s lackey?

Lackey: That’s me.

Assassing: *bang*

(Note to assassins: Drop the gun when you run. There’s no forensics in the 16th century. You’re less obvious when you’re NOT carrying a smoking gun.)

Cromwell: From now on, nobody talk to strangers. Let’s find a new queen for the king.

New Lackey: How is he?

Cromwell: Crying like a little girl. Only lets Argus Filch take care of him.

Henry: Life sucks. I’m totally going emo.

Filch: So, it really sucks how your wives keep dying, huh? I’m actually Will Summers, the court fool, by the way.

Henry: U DON’T NO ME! GO AWAY!

Princess Mary: I’ll tell little Edward all about his mama, who was a rockin’ stepmom.

Edward’s Governess (Mama Eyepatch): The king seems to actually give a crap about this wife’s death.

Princess Mary: Funny, huh?

Governess: So, you going to marry that prince?

Mary: Eh. So how’s ol’ Eyepatch doing?

Governess: He seems to have disappeared.

Eyepatch: Thanks for the segue. I’m totally bacchanaling it up in France.

Frenchman: Whores! Get out! You, Eyepatch, do you have a passport?

Eyepatch: I’ll show you my passport when you hand over Pole.

Frenchman: You don’t scare me, Eeenglishman.

Eyepatch: *handily captures him* Haha! I pwn you! Hand his ass over or I keel you!

Henry: My resemblance to crazy Howard Hughes is purely coincidental. Check out my fly drawings of an imaginary castle. I’m way losing it.

Filch: I’m not sure I actually am Filch, but IMDb’s been lax on updating cast info for this series.

IMDb:

Filch: Maybe I am Filch. I sure look like him. Remember when I played Cohen the Barbarian? I really rock.

IMDb: *cough* Off topic.

Filch: Sorry. Maybe you’re hallucinating, Henry-King.

Henry:

Reginald Pole: I’m kind of skeert Totally sleeping with the light on.

Pole’s Lackey: Is this a dagger I see before me?

Eyepatch: Haha! I keel you! Wait a minute, whatthe-!

Little Seymour Brother: He must’ve jumped out the window.

Eyepatch: Well, that didn’t go as planned.

Charles Brandon: It took 15 minutes for me to make an appearance? Man this season sucks. So, wife, you don’t look happy to be knocked up.

Lady Brandon: Yeah cause you KILLED ALL THOSE PEASANT BABIES!

Brandon: Man, that keeps coming back to bite me in the ass.

Henry: Now I’m playing cards. You *know* I’m bored. At least I’m apparently managing to shave. That means I’m not totally nuts yet. My imaginary castle will RULE when I build it. And I will call it Nonsuch.

Filch: Uh-huh. Do you have any eights?

Court Guard: People are killing each other left and right!

Cromwell: Why are you so incompetent?

Guard:

Mama Eyepatch: The king is totally paranoid about germs and poison around the baby prince.

Eyepatch: Yet you let me in here

Edward Seymour: What the devil are you doing next to my nephew?

Eyepatch: I’m totally the king’s homie.

Edward Seymour: I know you been jeepin’ with my wife, too.

Cromwell: The king wants to blow even more money. Hand it over.

Treasurer: This looks expensive.

Cromwell: Good thing we stole all that money off the monasteries.

Henry: So, Fool, what commandments would be good?

Filch: How about some risque ones?

Henry: Hey I totally know my Exodus.

Filch: I know a few too. And I can totally make them risque.

Henry: Wow, I’m really drunk. And now I hit the crying phase. I totally miss my wife, who I cheated on with her lady-in-waiting.

Filch: You’ll get over it. Why don’t you sleep around some more?

Guard 1: People are killing each other left and right again!

Guard Captain: Knock that shit off, y’all!

Random Bad Guy: Whatever

Cromwell: This is totally sucking. Henry will blame it all on me, like he does with everything lately. Guards, go kill everyone.

Random Bad Guys: Damn, we’re wearing some really nice slash-n-pouf garb, eh?

Guard Captain: *dies*

Edward Seymour: I am TOTALLY in charge of the little prince while Henry’s all emo!

Cromwell: Okay, councillors, we need to figure this shit out. People are dropping like flies from the flies and the king is batshit.

Brandon: It’s all your fault, Cromwell.

Cromwell: No you!

Brandon: No you! I’m way better than you, dude!

Councillors: Yeah, what he said!

Cromwell:

Edward Seymour: Why you been jeepin, woman?

Mrs. Seymour: Oh, like you care

Henry: Watch out, I’ve got a cane and soon the obesity will set in!

Cromwell: Uh, the king of France says congratulations on your boy.

Henry: Send along some whiny emo song lyrics to him to express my despair. Is everyone wearing Michael Jackson masks around my boy? You know if he gets a sniffle, I will keel you.

Cromwell: So, um, have you thought about getting a new wife?

Henry: Sure. I do like the ladies.

Cromwell: Well, I found two French chicks- dude did you just fade out of consciousness?

Spanish Ambassador: I’m one of the longest-running characters on this show. I can’t believe no one’s killed me yet. So, Mary, gossip says your dad wants to get married again.

Mary: I want to get married too

Henry: Look, I’m outside! Hey, old mistress, I’m going to marry you off to someone.

Mistress: Don’t worry about me, I’m good.

Henry: No hard feelings then. One for the road?

Mistress: Only if you bathe. Uh, you look a little twitchy.

Henry: So, Eyepatch, how come you didn’t manage to kill Pole?

Eyepatch: He’s not as dumb as we thought.

Henry: I will cut his heart out with a spoon!

Elderly Cardinal: The Pope’s glad you didn’t kick it, Reggie.

Reginald Pole: I’m a slippery bastard. I’m kind of worried about my mom, though, she’s still in England near that crazy bastard.

Elderly Cardinal: I blame Cromwell. You can’t worry about your mom now. Allow me to give you a disturbing snake analogy.

Reginald Pole:

Henry: Why is your shit not together, religious flunky? I have to do everything myself.

Flunky: I’ll just ask the Bishop of Canterbury-

Henry: NO! I KEEL YOU! Do it yourself!

Flunky: Okay, so, here’s our Articles of Faith, they’re quite similar to Catholicism, yes?

Cromwell:

Brandon:

Henry: There’s nothing in there against being skanky, right? I like the skanks.

Flunky: Don’t worry.

Henry: Good.

Brandon: Well done, religious lackeys. That was way better than the crap that Cromwell wanted.

Henry:

Cromwell:

Cromwell’s BFF: What the hell just happened here?

Cromwell: Henry’s always been Catholic, he just wanted to be in charge.

NEXT TIME:

Henry: Bring me a picture of these hos if you want me to marry one. And implicate Reggie Pole’s mama so we can kill her.

Pope: Let’s kill Henry!