Moves in Curves

Henry: Y’all, it’s totally not my fault that I haven’t done the queen yet. Probably the Universe is against it. Am I right?

Courtiers: Uh, yeah, that makes sense.

Cromwell:

Brandon:

Henry: I don’t need to be friends with the Prods any more. There better be a way to get me out of this.

Brandon: Remember, it was all Cromwell’s idea.

Anne of Cleves: Yet again, I’m wearing totally kick-ass costume, except this weird thing across my chest. Hey Princess Mary, what up?

Mary: My cool hat totally doesn’t compete with your bangin’ costume, despite the weird thing across your chest.

Anne: I found you a boyfriend. My cousin, the Duke of Bavaria!

Mary: He’s a Prod, isn’t he?

Anne: He’s hot! What should I tell him?

Mary: I’m probably not going to get a better offer. Tell him to ask my dad but don’t get his hopes up.

Gregory Cromwell: Bet you didn’t know he had a kid, eh? Here’s your pills, Dad.

Cromwell: I’m instituting socially progressive policies left and right!

Gregory: Does the king still hate on you?

Cromwell: Don’t worry about that.

Brandon: Sorry you haven’t managed to catch ol’ Reggie Pole, Sir Eyepatch. The king’s kind of over it right now though.

Sir Eyepatch: Sheesh, why doesn’t he just sleep around like he used to?

Brandon: He needs some S&M or costumes or something now, I don’t know.

Sir Eyepatch: Oh, well I can help him with THAT, shoot. I can find a dozen freaky chicks.

Brandon:

Mary: Who the hell are you?

Random courtier – OR SO HE SEEMS!: You are SO. HOT.

Mary: Duke Philip of Bavaria?

Philip: Can I kiss your hand, if you know what I mean?

Mary: Wow, you’re way hot for a Prod.

Sir Eyepatch: I found a hussie to amuse the king. Catherine Howard. Distantly related to the Boleyns, as am I.

Brandon and Edward Seymour: Is she pretty? And young?

Catherine Howard: *is totally pretty and way too young for Henry* I’m barely literate and am clearly not the sharpest crayon in the box!

Brandon: Slut. He’s gonna love her.

Edward Seymour: She’s perfect.

Mary: I’m going to try to dress to outdo Anne this time. Dammit! Where does she get this wardrobe? Good thing I have great hair.

Anne: So, how did you like my cuz?

Mary: He was all right.

Anne: He’s smart and hot and likes you. What’s not to like?

Philip: I would totally be a rockin’ husband for Mary. How awesome am I?

Mary: *swoons*

Brandon: I think I can get you out on a technicality, Henry.

Henry: Who is THAT?

Edward: The king seems to have noticed you, Catherine. Just be yourself. He likes sluts.

Brandon: She’s a relation of the Duke of Norfolk.

Henry: She’s sluttastic. Bring her backstage *bowchickabowbow*

Catherine: *is giggly, young, and stupid*

Henry: Huh. I like her. She’s barely even literate.

Philip: *is really hot and sweet*

Mary: *kisses him* Damn, I like this guy.

Catherine: Can I touch your big ring, if you know what I mean?

Henry: Wow, you really are slutty.

Cromwell: Nonesuch is almost complete. Bet you thought we’d forgotten that subplot.

Henry: Let’s gift Catherine Howard with some crap we stole off other people. Land, and a house. And I hear we have a loophole in the wedding contract with Anne?

Cromwell: Not… really…

Henry: We’re still buds, you know.

Cromwell:

Brandon: The French might want to hang again. And they say you should get rid of Cromwell.

Henry:

Sir Eyepatch: *rowing down a really cool river set* Here’s some cheap plastic jewelry from the king. Oh and I brought him along. Late at night. Haha!

Henry: What up, slut. Let’s get it on.

Catherine: No one can roll around naked on a bed like a Boleyn girl.

Brandon: *is plotting with the Seymours, Sir Eyepatch, and some random bishop*

Gregory: You’re a grandpa! I have a son!

Cromwell:

Prince Edward: *is seriously cute*

Cromwell: *is under arrest* What the…? You all suck!

Mary: *is wearing a German style gown* I’m friendlier to Anne now that she set me up with her hottastic cousin! I love him!

Anne: You better sit down. Your dad sent Philip back to Bavaria.

Mary: Oh that’s… okay. I didn’t like him anyway.

Random Bishop: Cromwell sucks! Let’s kill him!

Crowd: He’s a witch! Burn him!

Bishop: *makes up some bullshit to slander Cromwell*

Crowd: Burn him!

Henry: Why don’t you take a vacation in the country, Anne?

Anne: Uh, thanks.

Henry: Seymour, make Cromwell sign something to back up my annulment.

Cromwell: *looks surprisingly skinny without his big robes*

Brandon: Write something to say Henry never did Anne, and never liked her, or he will keel you. Check out all the fur I’m wearing.

Cromwell: What? Uh, okay.

Brandon: *is enjoying this far too much*

Cromwell: *writes* Please please don’t kill me.

Brandon, Seymours, Eyepatch, and Bishop:

Lady Brandon: Y’all are a bunch of assholes.

Cromwell: Oh, man.

Headsman: *is drunk thanks to Eyepatch*

Seymour: Queen, your marriage is annulled.

Anne: Shit.

Seymour: You’ll get a bunch of money in a settlement, and the king will call you his Beloved Sister. If this were reality, you’d actually be on pretty good terms with him after this, and be the wife who lives the longest of all his wives.

Anne: I suppose that’s better than having sex with that horrible ulcer…

Crowd at execution: *is even less respectful than when Anne Boleyn was killed*

Cromwell: I’m really sorry, and the king is awesome.

Henry: Check out this ridiculous palace I’m building.

Catherine: Sweet. Is that a sex swing?

Henry: This probably won’t end well, but damn she’s hot.

Headsman: No Nearly Headless Nick jokes, please, this is actually quite horrifying.