In some parts of the intarwebz I am known as Iggy, first of all. Now that we have that out of the way, let’s bake some bread.

My mother made most of what we ate growing up, especially our bread. I still have a hard time eating storebought bread. It just tastes so spongy and bland and soggy to me. I like a hearty, dense bread. Thick-cut. With cheese. Mmm. Anyway, so when I’m not being lazy, I make bread which my children then refuse to eat so that I have to pay $2.29 per loaf of HFCS-free no-preservative wheat bread for them at the grocery store which they then eat inside of a week, but I digress. It makes me happy to eat homemade bread and that’s the important thing.

Let’s start with our cast of characters. You’re going to need wheat flour, regular old all-purpose flour (you could use bread flour if you choose. Me, I use unbleached AP flour, because I avoid eating bleach whenever possible. I’m weird that way.), salt, active dry yeast, sugar, honey, and oil. We’re going to make two loaves, which means we’re halving the recipe my mother used. Because I only have two loaf pans, actually. Your yeast should not be the kind that says for bread machines. Probably. I have never actually used a bread machine, so I don’t know if that yeast is any different. But I don’t buy it. No bread machines. Only real bread.

Start out by putting a tablespoon of yeast and 1/2 teaspoon of sugar into a cup or bowl (I use a glass liquid measuring cup. If you only have one of these, don’t use it here cause you’re going to need it later. Just plop the yeast, sugar, and water into a coffee cup). Add 1/4 cup of warm-to-hot water, give it a wee swirl to mix up, and let sit on the counter to proof. If your yeast does not start having some activity within about 30 seconds, it’s probably not going to proof, so keep an eye on this. Nothing will piss you off more than being halfway through the bread-mixing process and realizing your yeast was a dud. In about five minutes, the yeast should get nice and frothy and smell slightly but not exactly like beer.

Now get your mixer out, cause I dislike stirring anything by hand if I can avoid it. You’re going to want to start out with the paddle attachment. Get out a second liquid measuring cup (or that first one, if you only have one) and measure out 1/3 cup of oil into your mixer bowl. I use safflower oil, because that is what I like to believe is healthier, but if you don’t mind using vegetable oil, that works too. Just throw some oil in that sucker, and don’t wash the measuring cup out. Next you’re going to add 1/3 cup of honey. Measuring the oil first means the honey just slides right out of the measuring cup instead of overcoming you with homicidal rage as you try to scrape it out. Now add 2 1/2 cups of water. I don’t bother stirring this up, but I suppose you could if you’re not as lazy as I am.

Measure out a tablespoon of salt and throw that in with the honey and oil and water. Now it’s time to break out your flour.

If you’re hardcore like my mother, you’ll grind your own wheat into flour first. The sheer levels of my mother’s badassery, homeschooling four children and making 80% of our food from scratch, continue to amaze me. And all this while doing several jobs at church, occasionally writing spy fiction, and taking the kids to the beach and museums regularly. Me, I’m just not that hardcore. I buy wheat flour at the grocery store. Thanks, Pillsbury! King Arthur also makes damn good wheat flour.

Get your wheat flour, however you acquire it, and throw 3 1/2 cups of it into your mixing bowl. Now you can give it a good mixing. It should look slightly but not exactly like it’s gluing itself to your paddle attachment. Pour in the yeast mixture, which should be nice and frothy by now, and then break out your all-purpose flour and add 1 1/2 cups. Mix again.

At this point, you’re probably going to want to switch to your dough hook attachment on your mixer. Do that now, then add another 2 cups of AP flour and let the hook have at it. I let this go for about 5 minutes, eyeballing it now and then to make sure the dough isn’t creeping up the hook (sometimes it has a mind of its own). Some days it seems extra-sticky and I add another 1/4 to a 1/2 cup more flour, and some days it doesn’t need it. Just see how it looks. It should be doughy and not overly sticky, but not too floury.

On a side note, if you don’t have a dough hook, let your mixer go as much as it can to integrate those last two cups of flour, then just add to your kneading time. This is how my mom did it back in the day. Although I must say, her Harvest Gold mixer was pretty badass for its time.

Wrestle the dough out of the mixing bowl and into a large, warmed, greased bowl (I pull one out of the cabinet, rinse it in hot water to warm it up, dry it off, then rub some oil into that sucka). Now it’s time to knead. Flour up your knuckles and have at it. If you let the dough hook go for a while, knead for about five minutes. If you don’t have a dough hook, knead for about ten minutes. Sorry. Feel free to get out your aggressions here. I have fond memories of my mother, tongue poked out in concentration (this seems to be genetic, as all four of her grandchildren do the same thing sometimes), punching the hell out of some bread dough, occasionally accompanied by swearwords under her breath.

It’s rising time, y’all. If it’s a warm day, you can let the dough rise on the counter. Throw a kitchen towel over the bowl and let it rise until doubled (anywhere from 30-60 minutes, depending on the temperature). If it’s a cold day, there are a few tricks you can use. Will your big greased bowl fit in your microwave? Winning! Grab a coffee cup, fill it with water, and microwave it for 3-4 minutes. This makes your microwave nice and warm and humid. Pull out the cup of water and pop in the bowl, closing the door. Watch your hand, cause the water in that cup is probably boiling. The beauty of this is that you don’t even need to cover the bowl, because the microwave’s already nice and dark. Dark, humid, and warm = happy yeast. If you can’t get the bowl into the microwave but CAN put it in your oven, you can set the oven to warm, let it heat up, then turn the heat off and pop the bowl in there. It’ll stay warm and dark but won’t be as humid probably. You could put a small pan of water in to help that out, though. Lots of ways to cheat on the rise!

During the first rise, you can wash your mixing bowl and attachments out (I hate cleanup) and prep your loaf pans. Grease those suckers up. Rub it with a butter/margarine wrapper, or some oil, or spray it with cooking spray. I go for the cooking spray, because it requires the least effort.

After it’s risen about double in size, pull it out of wherever you stuck it for the first rise and punch it down. Divide it into two and put each half in a loaf pan, pressing it into shape. I like to give it a bit extra smushdown in the middle, since homemade bread has a tendency to be much bigger in the middle. And put it back to rise again the same way you did before. I usually have to juice up the microwave with another round of microwaved-cup-of-water to get it warm and humid again.

Once the second rise is over, set your oven to 350 degrees and pop those pans in there for about an hour or so – you can check the center with a toothpick, but usually 60-65 minutes will do it. When they’re done, you can brush the tops with a bit of butter to soften them, and cause butter never goes amiss.

Wait for it to cool for the best slices. I keep them in the fridge to make them keep longer, but I always keep bread in the fridge. It’s how I roll. The baked loaves can be frozen and defrosted to eat later if you need to make some extra.