Henry: Charles, you’ve been my BFF a long time now. I’m after Cromwell and want you to be in charge of shit. And we bond over mutual grief, since our lives are both in the crapper.

Charles Brandon: I’m starting to not look as hot, either.

Henry: Yeah, me too, but at least I’m not fat.

Sir Eyepatch: Hey, Lady Salisbury, we’re arresting you and your fam. Even your wee little grandson. Haha!

Henry: So, I’m thinking about marrying a French girl.

French Ambassador: Everybody loves a French girl.

Henry: Yeah, I love the hos. So, the one who’s slutty and already has two kids, can I marry her?

French Ambassador: Uh, she’s marrying the king of Scotland.

Henry: Tell Francois that the Scottish king sucks!

French Ambassador: Yeah but she’s basically already married.

Henry: That’s never stopped me before.

French Ambassador: *makes risque joke about virgins*

Henry:

Salisbury grandson: *is in the Tower of London* I’m a little brat!

Guard:

Henry: The French are being French again. Cromwell, is there anybody good to marry in the Holy Roman Empire?

Brandon: I found a good one. She likes hunting and gambling.

Henry: Hey, rock on.

Cromwell: Where’s the Dutch ambassador?

Dutch Ambassador: Wasn’t I the bad cardinal in the Kevin Costner Robin Hood movie?

IMDb: As usual, I can’t be bothered updating cast info for this show.

Lord Montague: Why am I in trouble because my brother’s an asshole?

Edward Seymour: Have you met Henry? Oh by the way I have a letter you wrote that says Henry sucks and you want him to die.

Lord Montague:

Henry: Stupid leg wound. I can’t even dance with the court hos now. Eyepatch, make up some evidence so we can kill Reggie Pole’s mama. Oh and quit sleeping with teenage kids.

Eyepatch:

Cromwell: The Emperor’s niece is hot according to the Dutch ambassador. And Anne of Cleves is supposed to rock.

Henry: That’s not what I heard.

Cromwell: But she’s Protestant, and um, that would be politically good for a number of reasons.

Henry: Whatever, send Holbein to do sketches of the niece.

Dutch Ambassador: It would be really good if you could marry Henry.

Emperor’s niece: Uh-huh. How many wives has he had now?

Dutch Ambassador:

Sir Eyepatch: Damn, this bitch has no paper trail. Do I have to make something up? Hey, these banners are wicked treasonous!

Lady Salisbury: I was holding those for a friend.

Edward Seymour: She’s a witch! Burn her!

Lady Salisbury: I’m an old lady and can’t help myself.

Edward Seymour: I really have some anger management problems.

Henry: The Emperor’s niece is wicked hot. Oh and I’m starting to lose my shit again.

Charles Brandon:

Henry: MY LEG!

Charles Brandon: Get a doctor! The blood poisoning must be going to his head and making him crazier than he normally is!

Edward Seymour: Why don’t you let me see the king?

Charles Brandon: Cause you’re a tool. Oh, fine, go see his ass.

Edward Seymour: What the hell?

Charles Brandon: We’re waiting for his leg ulcer to explode. Again.

Doctor: He needs antibiotics, but they’re not invented yet, so I’m going to sit and get paid to do nothing. Being a doctor has always ruled!

Charles Brandon: Lackey, go put a bunch of guards around Princess Mary, cause if Henry dies, the shit will hit the fan. By the way, my hallucination plot has fallen by the wayside. Now that everyone on tv is doing that this season, I had to do something else. Hey Cromwell, go call the surgeon, this shit isn’t working the way that doctor said.

Cromwell:

Surgeon: Please don’t kill me for this.

Henry:

Edward VI: How cute am I? Check me out with my daddy.

Henry: Yes, that’s right, cheering crowds, I’ve finally got a son. My leg is freakin’ killing me. I’m done playing Daddy now, let the nannies continue to raise him now. So, Cromwell, what’s the haps with the potential wives?

Cromwell: You missed the boat on your favorite French chick, she married the Scottish king while you were sick. The Emperor doesn’t want you to marry his niece cause she’s related to your first wife.

Henry: Screw him, I’ll marry who I want. Why do you think I broke from the pope? But I gotta have a picture of the chick.

Sir Eyepatch: Haha, I’m sleeping with Edward Seymour’s wife again.

Mrs. Seymour: *makes sacrilegious joke*

Sir Eyepatch: I knew I liked you. And not just cause you’re too dumb not to gossip in bed.

Mrs. Seymour: So are you.

Lord Montague: I want a lawyer. Where’s my due process?

Edward Seymour: Are you new here? Have you met Henry?

Lord Montague: You know the king usually screws over his favorite lackeys, right?

Edward Seymour: Whatever, dude.

Henry: Is Holbein trustworthy in these sketches? I need a world tour of hos to pick a new wife in person. Sigh.

Cromwell: *cough*AnneofClevesftw!*cough*

Henry: Go away.

Religious lackey: I’m here to narc on some people being too Protestant.

Henry: Burn them.

Religious lackey: Um, the dude I’m narcing on is friends with Cromwell, and he’s been protecting him while you’ve been sick and crazy and not paying attention.

Henry: O rly?

Princess Mary: Is my dad getting married or what?

Spanish Ambassador: Nobody really *wants* to marry him. Eventually he’ll marry you off to somebody.

Princess Mary: Why has he got the Poles locked up?

Spanish Ambassador: Well, they’re on your dad’s shitlist.

Princess Mary: I blame Cromwell. He’s of the devil. I want to burn him.

Spanish Ambassador: Well then I see it’s genetic.

Henry: Frenchy, I’m having a hard time choosing between hos based on pictures. Have Francois send a bunch of them for me to look over.

French Ambassador: Yeah, that won’t go over well.

Henry: I’m tired of marrying disappointing bitches. I don’t trust anybody to pick a good wife for me.

French Ambassador: Why don’t you just sleep with all of them to audition them?

Henry: I KEEL YOU! And now that I’m pissed off – CROMWELL! Who is this dude you’re friends with that’s a Prod?

Cromwell: Whatever you want, man, just don’t kill me.

Henry: Well, I’m going to burn him. By the way, I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel now – how about those Cleves girls?

Cromwell: Anne ftw!

Duke of Cleves: So, Henry wants to marry my sisters?

Envoys: Yeah, Cromwell thinks he should marry Anne. And we’d like Princess Mary to marry your son, too. Can we meet your sisters? And take their pictures?

Duke of Cleves: What the hell for?

Envoys: He won’t marry a ho unless he sees her. We’ll bring Holbein.

Duke of Cleves: Is my country a meat market?

Envoys: The world is Henry’s meat market, dude.

Cromwell: Dude. Quit being a dick and agree with Henry, cause he will totally kill you.

John Lambert the Protestant: You suck, man. You totally sold out to the man.

Cromwell: Well, I tried.

Lambert: *is burned alive*

Cromwell: So, Henry, Princess Mary wants you to not kill Lady Salisbury.

Henry: Tell her to suck it.

Cromwell: Uh, the Duke of Cleves is kind of being a jerk and won’t let his painted do a picture of Anne.

Henry: Then you better get Holbein out there, huh?

Cromwell: I am so screwed.

Duke of Cleves: I’ve decided you may look at my sisters after all. But with veils on. Haha!

Envoys: Um. Are you fucking with us?

Edward Seymour: I’ve come back to torment you, Lady Salisbury.

Lady Salisbury: *loses her shit completely* I don’t wanna die!

Reggie Pole: Holy crap, you’re the tallest cardinal I’ve ever seen! Are you a giant? Oh, um, Henry killed my mama and brother!

Giant Cardinal: Quit being a wuss. This is going to work in our favor.

Reggie Pole:

Giant Cardinal: Seriously. Knock that shit off.

Edward Seymour: Hey, little Salisbury grandkid. It’s your turn to die now.

Henry: My doublet is awesome, but my bearskin rug is missing the ladies. Haha, Reggie Pole. I keel your family.

NEXT WEEK:

Cromwell: Yes, I’m still alive. You have a lot of enemies, and if you marry Anne of Cleves, we’ll have more soldiers.

Henry: She better be hot.

Charles Brandon: This bitch has a lot of pressure, huh? Better be hot for Henry and to save Cromwell’s ass, better have military might to save England…

Anne of Cleves:

Assasssin: Are you Cromwell’s lackey?

Lackey: That’s me.

Assassing: *bang*

(Note to assassins: Drop the gun when you run. There’s no forensics in the 16th century. You’re less obvious when you’re NOT carrying a smoking gun.)

Cromwell: From now on, nobody talk to strangers. Let’s find a new queen for the king.

New Lackey: How is he?

Cromwell: Crying like a little girl. Only lets Argus Filch take care of him.

Henry: Life sucks. I’m totally going emo.

Filch: So, it really sucks how your wives keep dying, huh? I’m actually Will Summers, the court fool, by the way.

Henry: U DON’T NO ME! GO AWAY!

Princess Mary: I’ll tell little Edward all about his mama, who was a rockin’ stepmom.

Edward’s Governess (Mama Eyepatch): The king seems to actually give a crap about this wife’s death.

Princess Mary: Funny, huh?

Governess: So, you going to marry that prince?

Mary: Eh. So how’s ol’ Eyepatch doing?

Governess: He seems to have disappeared.

Eyepatch: Thanks for the segue. I’m totally bacchanaling it up in France.

Frenchman: Whores! Get out! You, Eyepatch, do you have a passport?

Eyepatch: I’ll show you my passport when you hand over Pole.

Frenchman: You don’t scare me, Eeenglishman.

Eyepatch: *handily captures him* Haha! I pwn you! Hand his ass over or I keel you!

Henry: My resemblance to crazy Howard Hughes is purely coincidental. Check out my fly drawings of an imaginary castle. I’m way losing it.

Filch: I’m not sure I actually am Filch, but IMDb’s been lax on updating cast info for this series.

IMDb:

Filch: Maybe I am Filch. I sure look like him. Remember when I played Cohen the Barbarian? I really rock.

IMDb: *cough* Off topic.

Filch: Sorry. Maybe you’re hallucinating, Henry-King.

Henry:

Reginald Pole: I’m kind of skeert Totally sleeping with the light on.

Pole’s Lackey: Is this a dagger I see before me?

Eyepatch: Haha! I keel you! Wait a minute, whatthe-!

Little Seymour Brother: He must’ve jumped out the window.

Eyepatch: Well, that didn’t go as planned.

Charles Brandon: It took 15 minutes for me to make an appearance? Man this season sucks. So, wife, you don’t look happy to be knocked up.

Lady Brandon: Yeah cause you KILLED ALL THOSE PEASANT BABIES!

Brandon: Man, that keeps coming back to bite me in the ass.

Henry: Now I’m playing cards. You *know* I’m bored. At least I’m apparently managing to shave. That means I’m not totally nuts yet. My imaginary castle will RULE when I build it. And I will call it Nonsuch.

Filch: Uh-huh. Do you have any eights?

Court Guard: People are killing each other left and right!

Cromwell: Why are you so incompetent?

Guard:

Mama Eyepatch: The king is totally paranoid about germs and poison around the baby prince.

Eyepatch: Yet you let me in here

Edward Seymour: What the devil are you doing next to my nephew?

Eyepatch: I’m totally the king’s homie.

Edward Seymour: I know you been jeepin’ with my wife, too.

Cromwell: The king wants to blow even more money. Hand it over.

Treasurer: This looks expensive.

Cromwell: Good thing we stole all that money off the monasteries.

Henry: So, Fool, what commandments would be good?

Filch: How about some risque ones?

Henry: Hey I totally know my Exodus.

Filch: I know a few too. And I can totally make them risque.

Henry: Wow, I’m really drunk. And now I hit the crying phase. I totally miss my wife, who I cheated on with her lady-in-waiting.

Filch: You’ll get over it. Why don’t you sleep around some more?

Guard 1: People are killing each other left and right again!

Guard Captain: Knock that shit off, y’all!

Random Bad Guy: Whatever

Cromwell: This is totally sucking. Henry will blame it all on me, like he does with everything lately. Guards, go kill everyone.

Random Bad Guys: Damn, we’re wearing some really nice slash-n-pouf garb, eh?

Guard Captain: *dies*

Edward Seymour: I am TOTALLY in charge of the little prince while Henry’s all emo!

Cromwell: Okay, councillors, we need to figure this shit out. People are dropping like flies from the flies and the king is batshit.

Brandon: It’s all your fault, Cromwell.

Cromwell: No you!

Brandon: No you! I’m way better than you, dude!

Councillors: Yeah, what he said!

Cromwell:

Edward Seymour: Why you been jeepin, woman?

Mrs. Seymour: Oh, like you care

Henry: Watch out, I’ve got a cane and soon the obesity will set in!

Cromwell: Uh, the king of France says congratulations on your boy.

Henry: Send along some whiny emo song lyrics to him to express my despair. Is everyone wearing Michael Jackson masks around my boy? You know if he gets a sniffle, I will keel you.

Cromwell: So, um, have you thought about getting a new wife?

Henry: Sure. I do like the ladies.

Cromwell: Well, I found two French chicks- dude did you just fade out of consciousness?

Spanish Ambassador: I’m one of the longest-running characters on this show. I can’t believe no one’s killed me yet. So, Mary, gossip says your dad wants to get married again.

Mary: I want to get married too

Henry: Look, I’m outside! Hey, old mistress, I’m going to marry you off to someone.

Mistress: Don’t worry about me, I’m good.

Henry: No hard feelings then. One for the road?

Mistress: Only if you bathe. Uh, you look a little twitchy.

Henry: So, Eyepatch, how come you didn’t manage to kill Pole?

Eyepatch: He’s not as dumb as we thought.

Henry: I will cut his heart out with a spoon!

Elderly Cardinal: The Pope’s glad you didn’t kick it, Reggie.

Reginald Pole: I’m a slippery bastard. I’m kind of worried about my mom, though, she’s still in England near that crazy bastard.

Elderly Cardinal: I blame Cromwell. You can’t worry about your mom now. Allow me to give you a disturbing snake analogy.

Reginald Pole:

Henry: Why is your shit not together, religious flunky? I have to do everything myself.

Flunky: I’ll just ask the Bishop of Canterbury-

Henry: NO! I KEEL YOU! Do it yourself!

Flunky: Okay, so, here’s our Articles of Faith, they’re quite similar to Catholicism, yes?

Cromwell:

Brandon:

Henry: There’s nothing in there against being skanky, right? I like the skanks.

Flunky: Don’t worry.

Henry: Good.

Brandon: Well done, religious lackeys. That was way better than the crap that Cromwell wanted.

Henry:

Cromwell:

Cromwell’s BFF: What the hell just happened here?

Cromwell: Henry’s always been Catholic, he just wanted to be in charge.

NEXT TIME:

Henry: Bring me a picture of these hos if you want me to marry one. And implicate Reggie Pole’s mama so we can kill her.

Pope: Let’s kill Henry!

Cromwell: The Emperor wants to talk about who’s going to marry Princess Mary.

Henry: Whatever. Check out my toy boat.

Cromwell: Um. Reginald Pole, your cousin, is a cardinal now, and wrote this pamphlet about how much you suck.

Henry: I paid for his ass to learn to write.

Cromwell: This is totally not my fault

Henry: My toy boat really kicks ass.

Robert Aske: *is going to be hanged*

Mini-Brandon: Right on ya for killing the peasants, Dad.

Brandon:

Lady Brandon: Try not to kill too many people.

Brandon: At least I have my hot armor on again.

Red-headed Darcy Lackey: I have a name!

IMDb: You do not appear to be the guy from 13th Warrior after all.

Red-headed Darcy Lackey: Hey, please don’t kill me. I’ll sign this thing that says the king is our new pope.

Judge: The king will show you mercy

Brandon’s soldiers: *killing anything that moves*

Brandon: This season bites. Um, you traitorous villains! I totally will keel all of… oh, fuck it. Soldiers, kill them. I’m going to the pub.

Henry: I totally like my wife again now that she’s knocked up. I love her so much that I might not even sleep with my mistress today.

Jane: I’m gonna wash that man right outta my… what?

Brandon: God is gonna get me. Stupid king

Priest: Robert Aske, I am your homie.

Robert Aske: *is wrapped in chains* I’m a little peeved right now, dude. Cromwell totally sucks.

Priest: How can I help you?

Robert Aske: Have you seen me? I’m screwed. Oh, but you can take the rhinestone Princess Mary gave me, and give it to my wife.

Brandon: I killed a thousand people today. I must get up very early in the morning.

Jane: Check out my bump, bitches.

Court lackeys: The Queen is knocked up!

Henry: Eyepatch, go tell King Francois how much Reginald Pole sucks, and get him to let you kill ol’ Reggie.

Sir Eyepatch: That sounds like a downer.

Henry: What the hell good are you, then? Bring him to me alive *sinister eyebrow twitch*

Sir Eyepatch:

Jane: Bro, what is Cromwell up to now?

Edward: Taking bribes, what does it look like?

Jane: OMG that sucks.

Edward: He gives Henry a cut. Who cares?

Jane:

Sir Eyepatch: Hey Queen’s Sister-in-Law, want a quickie before I leave to kill a cardinal?

Mrs. Seymour: We might get caught.

Sir Eyepatch: And?

Mrs. Seymour: That’s hot.

Aske family: Dad?

Mrs. Aske: WTF. Why are you in chains?

Robert Aske: I’m a bad, bad man.

Mrs. Aske:

Brandon: *is wearing a kick-ass outfit to the hanging*

Robert Aske: I have a long religious monologue before I die. It’s in my contract. Oh and Suffolk, I totally forgive you for letting Cromwell hang me.

Brandon:

Cromwell: Haha, I totally pwned all the rebel scum. I rule.

Sir Eyepatch: Yo, Frenchy, can I have that cardinal? I brought the queen’s other brother along. Apparently she has more than one.

Frenchman: Your muzzer was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries.

Sir Eyepatch: Henry is crazy and will keel you all.

Frenchman: Uh-huh. Have a nice day.

Sir Eyepatch: Even though Henry told me to bring Pole back along, I’m totally going to kill him.

Spanish Ambassador: What up, ur majesty. We really want Princess Mary to marry the Portuguese prince. He’s really awesome.

Henry: My daughter kind of sucks. Will he be nice to her?

Spanish Ambassador: He might be gay.

Henry: Maybe you should run along.

Spanish Ambassador: I’ll just go talk to Mary behind your back.

Henry and Jane:

Mary: I really have great hair. Check out my fly headdress, too.

Spanish Ambassador: The Don totally would be a good hubby to you. Your mom would have liked him.

Mary: Is he hot?

Spanish Ambassador: Uh, sure. And not gay at all.

Mary:

Henry: Hey religious people that I own, why do you not do what I tell you? I’m the pope now! Get your shit together.

Jane: Henry! Drop everything and come feel the baby kick!

Henry: It’s totally a boy! You’re the best wife EVER!

Mini-Brandon: What’s wrong Dad?

Brandon: It’s all right, Daddy’s just having a wee little hallucination of one of the peasants I killed.

Mini-Brandon:

Henry: Edward, when my wife has her baby, I want you to set fire to anything that will burn as celebration.

Edward Seymour: Awesome. Hey, uh, is Cromwell cool?

Henry: Why does everyone want to meddle? Did I mention how I killed the brother of my last wife?

Edward:

Jane: Hey, lady-in-waiting, I know you’re doing my husband. Whoops, my water just broke.

*exciting music*

Henry: Get everyone in to watch! And tell the world my wife’s in labor! Tell Cromwell I won’t kill him if it’s a boy!

Jane: Y’all might think this rules, but it sucks for me.

Historical Accuracy: Will I show up today? Who knows!

Mary: My dead mother will totally help you have this baby, Stepmom. Catholic sisterhood ftw!

Jane: Whatever.

Henry: Please be a boy, please be a boy! Why is this taking so long?

Brandon: I swear, I don’t feel bad about killing all those people. Really. Seriously. The king told me to, and he’s the pope now. So it was okay. Right? Right.

Lady Brandon: I’m pregnant.

Brandon: What?

Jane: Longest. Labor. Ever.

Doctors: *ominous music* This is a scalpel.

Jane:

Historical Accuracy: We’re discussing c-sections! I’m outta here! The real queen died almost two weeks after having Edward VI, and therefore could not possibly have had a c-section, which always resulted in death then.

Edward: IT’S A BOY!

Henry: I knew I picked a winner this time! Who’s the man!

Jane: Historical Accuracy and I have decided to be besties after all. I did not have a c-section.

Princess Mary: Good one. High five!

Henry: I will love him, and hug him, and squeeze him, and call him Edward the Sixth.

Princess Elizabeth: Having a brother is cool, but chicks rule.

Princess Mary: Boys are more important.

Elizabeth: Whatever.

Princess Mary: I am totally godmother!

Doctor: Um, your majesty, the queen’s gonna die.

Henry: Dammit! I wasn’t even going to kill this one!

Jane: Sorry, dude, my contract only goes through this episode.

NEXT WEEK:

Henry:

Cromwell: I am sooooo screwed.

Brandon:

Cromwell: I’ll distract him with a new wife. That will totally work.