Posts Tagged ‘humor’

My boys are having a party. And apparently everyone’s invited, if they like cheese. Turkey was considered and dismissed, because “everybody likes turkey” and they want an exclusive guest list, apparently.

“C kisses are better than Mama kisses. Give me big kisses, C! Awww…”

Henry: Y’all, it’s totally not my fault that I haven’t done the queen yet. Probably the Universe is against it. Am I right?

Courtiers: Uh, yeah, that makes sense.

Cromwell:

Brandon:

Henry: I don’t need to be friends with the Prods any more. There better be a way to get me out of this.

Brandon: Remember, it was all Cromwell’s idea.

Anne of Cleves: Yet again, I’m wearing totally kick-ass costume, except this weird thing across my chest. Hey Princess Mary, what up?

Mary: My cool hat totally doesn’t compete with your bangin’ costume, despite the weird thing across your chest.

Anne: I found you a boyfriend. My cousin, the Duke of Bavaria!

Mary: He’s a Prod, isn’t he?

Anne: He’s hot! What should I tell him?

Mary: I’m probably not going to get a better offer. Tell him to ask my dad but don’t get his hopes up.

Gregory Cromwell: Bet you didn’t know he had a kid, eh? Here’s your pills, Dad.

Cromwell: I’m instituting socially progressive policies left and right!

Gregory: Does the king still hate on you?

Cromwell: Don’t worry about that.

Brandon: Sorry you haven’t managed to catch ol’ Reggie Pole, Sir Eyepatch. The king’s kind of over it right now though.

Sir Eyepatch: Sheesh, why doesn’t he just sleep around like he used to?

Brandon: He needs some S&M or costumes or something now, I don’t know.

Sir Eyepatch: Oh, well I can help him with THAT, shoot. I can find a dozen freaky chicks.

Brandon:

Mary: Who the hell are you?

Random courtier – OR SO HE SEEMS!: You are SO. HOT.

Mary: Duke Philip of Bavaria?

Philip: Can I kiss your hand, if you know what I mean?

Mary: Wow, you’re way hot for a Prod.

Sir Eyepatch: I found a hussie to amuse the king. Catherine Howard. Distantly related to the Boleyns, as am I.

Brandon and Edward Seymour: Is she pretty? And young?

Catherine Howard: *is totally pretty and way too young for Henry* I’m barely literate and am clearly not the sharpest crayon in the box!

Brandon: Slut. He’s gonna love her.

Edward Seymour: She’s perfect.

Mary: I’m going to try to dress to outdo Anne this time. Dammit! Where does she get this wardrobe? Good thing I have great hair.

Anne: So, how did you like my cuz?

Mary: He was all right.

Anne: He’s smart and hot and likes you. What’s not to like?

Philip: I would totally be a rockin’ husband for Mary. How awesome am I?

Mary: *swoons*

Brandon: I think I can get you out on a technicality, Henry.

Henry: Who is THAT?

Edward: The king seems to have noticed you, Catherine. Just be yourself. He likes sluts.

Brandon: She’s a relation of the Duke of Norfolk.

Henry: She’s sluttastic. Bring her backstage *bowchickabowbow*

Catherine: *is giggly, young, and stupid*

Henry: Huh. I like her. She’s barely even literate.

Philip: *is really hot and sweet*

Mary: *kisses him* Damn, I like this guy.

Catherine: Can I touch your big ring, if you know what I mean?

Henry: Wow, you really are slutty.

Cromwell: Nonesuch is almost complete. Bet you thought we’d forgotten that subplot.

Henry: Let’s gift Catherine Howard with some crap we stole off other people. Land, and a house. And I hear we have a loophole in the wedding contract with Anne?

Cromwell: Not… really…

Henry: We’re still buds, you know.

Cromwell:

Brandon: The French might want to hang again. And they say you should get rid of Cromwell.

Henry:

Sir Eyepatch: *rowing down a really cool river set* Here’s some cheap plastic jewelry from the king. Oh and I brought him along. Late at night. Haha!

Henry: What up, slut. Let’s get it on.

Catherine: No one can roll around naked on a bed like a Boleyn girl.

Brandon: *is plotting with the Seymours, Sir Eyepatch, and some random bishop*

Gregory: You’re a grandpa! I have a son!

Cromwell:

Prince Edward: *is seriously cute*

Cromwell: *is under arrest* What the…? You all suck!

Mary: *is wearing a German style gown* I’m friendlier to Anne now that she set me up with her hottastic cousin! I love him!

Anne: You better sit down. Your dad sent Philip back to Bavaria.

Mary: Oh that’s… okay. I didn’t like him anyway.

Random Bishop: Cromwell sucks! Let’s kill him!

Crowd: He’s a witch! Burn him!

Bishop: *makes up some bullshit to slander Cromwell*

Crowd: Burn him!

Henry: Why don’t you take a vacation in the country, Anne?

Anne: Uh, thanks.

Henry: Seymour, make Cromwell sign something to back up my annulment.

Cromwell: *looks surprisingly skinny without his big robes*

Brandon: Write something to say Henry never did Anne, and never liked her, or he will keel you. Check out all the fur I’m wearing.

Cromwell: What? Uh, okay.

Brandon: *is enjoying this far too much*

Cromwell: *writes* Please please don’t kill me.

Brandon, Seymours, Eyepatch, and Bishop:

Lady Brandon: Y’all are a bunch of assholes.

Cromwell: Oh, man.

Headsman: *is drunk thanks to Eyepatch*

Seymour: Queen, your marriage is annulled.

Anne: Shit.

Seymour: You’ll get a bunch of money in a settlement, and the king will call you his Beloved Sister. If this were reality, you’d actually be on pretty good terms with him after this, and be the wife who lives the longest of all his wives.

Anne: I suppose that’s better than having sex with that horrible ulcer…

Crowd at execution: *is even less respectful than when Anne Boleyn was killed*

Cromwell: I’m really sorry, and the king is awesome.

Henry: Check out this ridiculous palace I’m building.

Catherine: Sweet. Is that a sex swing?

Henry: This probably won’t end well, but damn she’s hot.

Headsman: No Nearly Headless Nick jokes, please, this is actually quite horrifying.

Weapon X doesn’t always like to get up in the morning. Project Alpha has been popping up fresh as a daisy at 6am lately. PA came in this morning to wake me up (“Mama, you my best friend forever, want to play with me?”), and apparently he made too much noise for WX, who had climbed in my bed last night, again.

PA came stomping out and glared at WX, who said, “C********, you’re my best friend forever” and tried to hug him. WX pushed him away and said, “You keep being too many noise, I can’t sleep.” Then he went stomping back to bed, saying “I going back to sleep!” PA looked at me and said, “Why C******** can’t sleep in noise?” After a few minutes WX came back out and now they’re happily building train tracks together. Guess PA was still being too many noise.

The boys have been having tea parties. They must have learned this at school. Maybe Weapon X’s stalker showed him, who knows (yes, he’s 4 and has a stalker. A girl in his class LOVES him and follows him around all morning, and apparently talks about him at home, too. Her dad says he’ll worry about this behavior if she’s still doing it in 10 years). Yesterday Project Alpha was setting up a tea party while I was sewing, and he came in to get me and said, “You are invited to my tea party!” So we had tea (juice) for a while with their Animal Friends – Weapon X sleeps with a stuffed elephant every night, Project Alpha has a giraffe – and then I went to do some chores, whereupon the boys immediately became evil, as they often do. I came in to yell at them, and Project Alpha got mad at me and put his hands on his hips with his little face scrunched up angrily and said, “You are not invited to my tea party, Mama!”