Cromwell: The Emperor wants to talk about who’s going to marry Princess Mary.

Henry: Whatever. Check out my toy boat.

Cromwell: Um. Reginald Pole, your cousin, is a cardinal now, and wrote this pamphlet about how much you suck.

Henry: I paid for his ass to learn to write.

Cromwell: This is totally not my fault

Henry: My toy boat really kicks ass.

Robert Aske: *is going to be hanged*

Mini-Brandon: Right on ya for killing the peasants, Dad.

Brandon:

Lady Brandon: Try not to kill too many people.

Brandon: At least I have my hot armor on again.

Red-headed Darcy Lackey: I have a name!

IMDb: You do not appear to be the guy from 13th Warrior after all.

Red-headed Darcy Lackey: Hey, please don’t kill me. I’ll sign this thing that says the king is our new pope.

Judge: The king will show you mercy

Brandon’s soldiers: *killing anything that moves*

Brandon: This season bites. Um, you traitorous villains! I totally will keel all of… oh, fuck it. Soldiers, kill them. I’m going to the pub.

Henry: I totally like my wife again now that she’s knocked up. I love her so much that I might not even sleep with my mistress today.

Jane: I’m gonna wash that man right outta my… what?

Brandon: God is gonna get me. Stupid king

Priest: Robert Aske, I am your homie.

Robert Aske: *is wrapped in chains* I’m a little peeved right now, dude. Cromwell totally sucks.

Priest: How can I help you?

Robert Aske: Have you seen me? I’m screwed. Oh, but you can take the rhinestone Princess Mary gave me, and give it to my wife.

Brandon: I killed a thousand people today. I must get up very early in the morning.

Jane: Check out my bump, bitches.

Court lackeys: The Queen is knocked up!

Henry: Eyepatch, go tell King Francois how much Reginald Pole sucks, and get him to let you kill ol’ Reggie.

Sir Eyepatch: That sounds like a downer.

Henry: What the hell good are you, then? Bring him to me alive *sinister eyebrow twitch*

Sir Eyepatch:

Jane: Bro, what is Cromwell up to now?

Edward: Taking bribes, what does it look like?

Jane: OMG that sucks.

Edward: He gives Henry a cut. Who cares?

Jane:

Sir Eyepatch: Hey Queen’s Sister-in-Law, want a quickie before I leave to kill a cardinal?

Mrs. Seymour: We might get caught.

Sir Eyepatch: And?

Mrs. Seymour: That’s hot.

Aske family: Dad?

Mrs. Aske: WTF. Why are you in chains?

Robert Aske: I’m a bad, bad man.

Mrs. Aske:

Brandon: *is wearing a kick-ass outfit to the hanging*

Robert Aske: I have a long religious monologue before I die. It’s in my contract. Oh and Suffolk, I totally forgive you for letting Cromwell hang me.

Brandon:

Cromwell: Haha, I totally pwned all the rebel scum. I rule.

Sir Eyepatch: Yo, Frenchy, can I have that cardinal? I brought the queen’s other brother along. Apparently she has more than one.

Frenchman: Your muzzer was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries.

Sir Eyepatch: Henry is crazy and will keel you all.

Frenchman: Uh-huh. Have a nice day.

Sir Eyepatch: Even though Henry told me to bring Pole back along, I’m totally going to kill him.

Spanish Ambassador: What up, ur majesty. We really want Princess Mary to marry the Portuguese prince. He’s really awesome.

Henry: My daughter kind of sucks. Will he be nice to her?

Spanish Ambassador: He might be gay.

Henry: Maybe you should run along.

Spanish Ambassador: I’ll just go talk to Mary behind your back.

Henry and Jane:

Mary: I really have great hair. Check out my fly headdress, too.

Spanish Ambassador: The Don totally would be a good hubby to you. Your mom would have liked him.

Mary: Is he hot?

Spanish Ambassador: Uh, sure. And not gay at all.

Mary:

Henry: Hey religious people that I own, why do you not do what I tell you? I’m the pope now! Get your shit together.

Jane: Henry! Drop everything and come feel the baby kick!

Henry: It’s totally a boy! You’re the best wife EVER!

Mini-Brandon: What’s wrong Dad?

Brandon: It’s all right, Daddy’s just having a wee little hallucination of one of the peasants I killed.

Mini-Brandon:

Henry: Edward, when my wife has her baby, I want you to set fire to anything that will burn as celebration.

Edward Seymour: Awesome. Hey, uh, is Cromwell cool?

Henry: Why does everyone want to meddle? Did I mention how I killed the brother of my last wife?

Edward:

Jane: Hey, lady-in-waiting, I know you’re doing my husband. Whoops, my water just broke.

*exciting music*

Henry: Get everyone in to watch! And tell the world my wife’s in labor! Tell Cromwell I won’t kill him if it’s a boy!

Jane: Y’all might think this rules, but it sucks for me.

Historical Accuracy: Will I show up today? Who knows!

Mary: My dead mother will totally help you have this baby, Stepmom. Catholic sisterhood ftw!

Jane: Whatever.

Henry: Please be a boy, please be a boy! Why is this taking so long?

Brandon: I swear, I don’t feel bad about killing all those people. Really. Seriously. The king told me to, and he’s the pope now. So it was okay. Right? Right.

Lady Brandon: I’m pregnant.

Brandon: What?

Jane: Longest. Labor. Ever.

Doctors: *ominous music* This is a scalpel.

Jane:

Historical Accuracy: We’re discussing c-sections! I’m outta here! The real queen died almost two weeks after having Edward VI, and therefore could not possibly have had a c-section, which always resulted in death then.

Edward: IT’S A BOY!

Henry: I knew I picked a winner this time! Who’s the man!

Jane: Historical Accuracy and I have decided to be besties after all. I did not have a c-section.

Princess Mary: Good one. High five!

Henry: I will love him, and hug him, and squeeze him, and call him Edward the Sixth.

Princess Elizabeth: Having a brother is cool, but chicks rule.

Princess Mary: Boys are more important.

Elizabeth: Whatever.

Princess Mary: I am totally godmother!

Doctor: Um, your majesty, the queen’s gonna die.

Henry: Dammit! I wasn’t even going to kill this one!

Jane: Sorry, dude, my contract only goes through this episode.

NEXT WEEK:

Henry:

Cromwell: I am sooooo screwed.

Brandon:

Cromwell: I’ll distract him with a new wife. That will totally work.

The Tudors: *It’s Christmas! Check out our fly-ass choir!*

Cromwell: I have a bad feeling about this.

Robert Aske: Why am I here again?

Edward Seymour (the queen’s brother): Write down all the bad things you did and sign it. It totally won’t be used against you later.

Robert Aske: Oh, okay.

Holbein: Pardon my bad haircut, but I knocked out your mistress’s husband, Mr. Henry King.

Henry: Rock on, brother.

Sir Eyepatch:

Mistress’s Husband: Holbein sucks!

Henry: Ur woman’s a HOOOOOR! And Holbein pwns you!

Mistress’s Husband: I love Holbein. And your majesty. My woman’s totally a whore.

Princess Mary: Hey Dad, you remember my old governess? Pay attention, important plot point.

Henry: Sure. Countess Salisbury, you’re a very preeminent woman who used to hire people to watch my kid. How’s your son, my cousin, Reginald Pole?

Audience: Ohhhhhhh. That’s who that guy was last week.

Margaret Salisbury: He’s in Italy, totally not doing anything at all Catholic like becoming a cardinal.

Henry: Didn’t I thump him once for thwarting me?

Salisbury:

Jane: I’ve temporarily convinced Princess Mary to like Princess Elizabeth, check it out.

Elizabeth: *is weird-looking somehow*

Henry: Oh, her. Yeah, I like her right now too. She’s the only Tudor thus far in the show to actually look like a Tudor.

Elizabeth: It’s the red hair.

Robert Aske: I should be more suspicious than I am.

Henry: I’m so not going to kill you Thanks for writing down all the illegal shit you did, btw.

Robert Aske: Wow, you’re a rockin’ king. The Duke of Suffolk said you wouldn’t kill everyone?

Henry: Yeah, I told Charles to say that. Don’t tell anyone, but I’m going to kill Cromwell soon.

Robert Aske:

Sir Eyepatch: I get the sex scenes that would have gone to Brandon in season 1!

Naked chick: I like to do some foreshadowing during sex. My husband, Edward Seymour, will kill you for doing me.

Sir Eyepatch: That’s hot.

Princess Mary: Hey, Aske, what up?

Robert Aske: The people love you! Your mom was the best queen ever!

Princess Mary: Here, have a rhinestone.

Edward Seymour: Hey sis. Nice fur hat. BTW, Dad’s dead.

Jane: What?

Seymour: Smile for the paparazzi, sis. I didn’t tell you cause I didn’t want to rock the royal boat.

Henry: I’ve TOTALLY forgiven all the peasants. No really. I’m SUCH a nice guy and will TOTALLY keep my promises.

Robert Aske: Yo guys, the king is totally not full of crap!

Darcy: We decided he sucks after all, and are planning to try that whole rebellion thing again.

Red-headed Darcy Lackey: Wasn’t I in “The 13th Warrior”?

IMDb: You’re not important enough for a credit, so who knows.

Lackey: Aww.

IMDb: Suck it, lackey.

Jane: Princess Mary rules. Elizabeth does too. I’ve got such a happy little blended family. Life rules.

Militantly Protestant Lady-In-Waiting: The king is sleeping with your other lady-in-waiting, you know, the one that isn’t an actual historical person.

Jane: Whatever, I’m totally knocked up.

Henry: Hey, this Holbein portrait of my historically inaccurate mistress will be totally famous someday. Brandon, kill all the peasants.

Brandon: I thought you were going to do a parliament?

Henry: Fuck that shit.

Brandon: This season really sucks for me. Maybe I’ll take off my shirt later.

Cromwell: Yeah, Brandon! Haha!

Henry: You shut up, Cromwell.

Cromwell:

Henry: That’s right, peasants! I totally keel you all when you’re not looking! Suck it, bitches!

Brandon: This season sucks. I haven’t gotten any scenes with naked young ladies since season 1. Where’s my agent?

Henry: That’s what you get for not killing the peasants the first time I told you to kill them.

Peasants: Here, eat some rabbit.

Ominous Horse With No Rider: *looks ominous*

Arrows: Die peasants!

Peasants: Run away! Run away!

Peasants: They totally pwned us, Robert Aske. We’re so screwed.

Robert Aske:

Cromwell: The peasants armored up? Let’s kill them all!

Charles Brandon: Hey, check me out, I look pretty hot in armor. Oh yeah, you’re all gonna die.

Peasant: Bloody aristo! You suck! Where’s a guillotine when you need one!

Charles Brandon: Not invented yet, sucka!

Peasant women: Don’ttakehimIlovehim!

Peasants: *are hanged without due process, but wearing surprisingly accurate hosen*

Charles Brandon: Damn, this really sucks. Those bitches be crying and I STILL haven’t had a sex scene. I think I’ll hang out in a pub in my sexy armor, cause wearing 40lbs of plate and maille is really comfy to get your drink on.

Lackey: The king says kill the peasant rebel leaders that he said he wouldn’t kill.

Brandon:

Darcy: God on hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh, hear my praaaaaaaaaaaaaayer…

Brandon: What?

Darcy: Sorry, I just like to show off my rockin’ falsetto.

Brandon: Um, okay. So, the king says you got some ‘splaining to do, Lucy.

Robert Aske: I’m sure the king won’t kill me, but Cromwell totally would. Save us.

Brandon: Yeah, he sucks. I’ll get right on that after I get out of this armor, it’s starting to chafe.

Robert Aske: Yorkshire rules! Moritori vos salutamus!

Henry: Why the hell are you eating that shit?

Jane: I TOTALLY HAVE WACKY PREGNANCY CRAVINGS!

Henry: You’re my favorite wife EVER!

Jane: I’m wearing a really kick-ass crown, too. Check out all my pearls.

Henry: I can’t believe it took you three episodes to get knocked up. Stupid festering leg wound.

Festering Leg Ulcer: Hey, I didn’t stop you from doing the lady-in-waiting, sucka.

Edward Seymour: Haha, suckas! You gonna die! Bloody peasants!

Charles Brandon: Hey Eyepatch, here’s Robert Aske.

Sir Eyepatch: Yeah, I’m taking you to the Tower so Cromwell can question you.

Robert Aske: What the?

Charles Brandon: This is totally not my fault.

Cromwell: BTW Brandon, you’ve been really nice to all these Catholic people. You only killed 74 people. What up with that?

Brandon: What the?

Cromwell: YOU LOVE THE POPE! THE KING TOLD ME SO!

Brandon: Oh for crying out loud.

Cromwell: Go kill the peasants properly this time.

Darcy: Two four six oh ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNE!

Cromwell: You are so screwed, Darcy. Check out this confession you signed. Totally admissable in a court of law.

Robert Aske: The abbeys were awesome. We loved the abbeys. We were going to marry the abbeys. You suck, Cromwell. You’re leading our beloved king astray.

Cromwell: So you hate the king.

Robert Aske: What? Were you even listening?

Darcy: This is all your fault, Javert.

Cromwell: It’s Cromwell, actually. I’m working really hard to make it not my fault.

Darcy: The king’s totally going to kill you.

Cromwell: My wardrobe this season has been pretty limited, so you’re probably right.

Charles Brandon: You know, I’m really tired of killing people.

Lady Brandon, Duchess of Suffolk: I know. You’ve been talking in your sleep, babe.

Brandon: What? That could have been a nude scene for me. What is up with this season?

Lady Brandon: Dunno, yo. I never got a sex scene with you. You had all those with your Season One whores.

Brandon: We both got jacked.

Lady Brandon: Totally. Oh yeah, don’t kill the women and children. Or I will hate you forever.

Brandon: Nobody gets me. I’m going to start wearing guyliner and listening to emo bands.

Henry: What up, Mr. Aske. I’m wearing one of the most historically accurate costumes yet, check it out. Oh yeah, and Cromwell says you love the abbeys. Why don’t you marry them then, huh?

Robert Aske: Please don’t kill me.

Henry: The monks all suck! They had more money than me and didn’t have to marry a bunch of sucky women who wouldn’t have a son like they were supposed to and have crazy sisters who sleep with your best friend back when he was allowed to have sex scenes!

Robert Aske: What?

Henry: Uh, the monks all suck. They were bad, bad men. You should agree with everything I say, I’m king.

Robert Aske: I really don’t want you to kill me.

Henry: Everyone loves me. Excuse me while I go mount Colm Wilkinson’s head on a wall with the other rebel scum.

Sir Eyepatch: There’s a French dude here with a box of eggs. WTF, Henry?

Henry: They’re for my wife. Who’s PREGNANT!

NEXT EPI:

Robert Aske: Uh-oh.

Jane: I’m in labor already? Didn’t I just get knocked up last week?

Henry: What is this “c-section” you speak of?

Historical Accuracy: I’m apparently taking this episode off. My contract only allows me to appear in 60% of plots and characters and 40% of costuming.

Jane: Crap. I had such nice jewelry, too.

Lord Darcy: Yes, I’m Colm Wilkinson. Welcome to my castle. I’m totally not a hater on you Catholic peasants, mostly because I don’t have a lot of guns.

Peasants: We come in peace – shoot to kill, men.

Darcy: *pens letter to king* Dude, this is totally not my fault. And I’m way not Catholic, either.

Henry: Damned leg boo-boo! Damned quack doctors!

Doctors:

Henry: Darcy had better kill those bloody peasants, too. Where’s Charles Brandon? And Shrewsbury? Why doesn’t anybody do what I tell them to?

Darcy, Brandon, Shrewsbury: *are incompetent*

Henry: *massages temple in manner of Scar in The Lion King* I’m surrounded by idiots.

Ulcerating sore on Henry’s leg: Haha! I laugh at your pathetic poultices!

Henry: Damn my leg hurts. I need a topless doctor.

Sir Francis Bryan: My eyepatch is wicked cool. I know some hot chicks who will totally party with you.

Hot chick: Would your majesty like anything else? *bowchickabowbow*

Henry: Sir Eyepatch, you are totally my new BFF for this!

Random cardinal: The pope wants you to write something to tell everyone Henry sucks and his friends all suck and the Pope totally rules. We’ll give you this fly red hat if you do it.

Reginald Pole: I have a bad feeling about this.

Robert Aske and peasants: We’re still pissed off, and Brandon doesn’t have enough soldiers to kill us.

Brandon: You guys totally suck! Go away or I keel you all!

Peasants: Uh-huh

Brandon: Dude, I thought we were homies. BFFs. What the dillio?

Peasants: Henry sucks. We want to tell him so.

Brandon: Um. Darcy, why are you here?

Darcy: I’m Colm Wilkinson.

Brandon: Right. Want to kill some peasants with me?

Darcy: No, I’m BFFs with them now.

Brandon:

Henry: I hope no one notices my bad leg.

Jane: Henry will love me if I pretend I can’t smell his leg. By the way, husband, I brought your daughter to court. We’re homies cause we’re both Catholic. Did I say that out loud?

Princess Mary: What up, y’all?

Henry: Is she still a virgin? Eyepatch, go find out.

Sir Francis: *makes repellent pass at Mary*

Mary: A sphincter says what?

Sir Francis: What?

Mary: A sphincter says what?

Sir Francis: Totally a virgin.

Henry: I’m a totally rockin’ king. Y’all peasants all suck for saying I suck. Catholicism sucks and so do you!

Robert Aske and peasants: We’re still BFFs, dude.

Henry: GOD’S HOLY WORD! Ignorant peasants!

Peasants: Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!

Henry: I keel you all! But if you go away, I won’t make Brandon kill you all.

Sir Francis Eyepatch: *is suddenly ubiquitous*

Peasants: Brandon, the king is full of crap, and we’re totally not going home. Tilling fields sucks.

Brandon: I’m a nice guy, can’t you just go away so I don’t have to kill you?

Peasants: No.

Brandon:

Thomas Cromwell: I’m not dead yet.

Jane: Seriously, people would like you better if you stopped trashing the abbeys.

Henry: Get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!

Jane:

Spanish guy: Hi, I’m Spanish. We’re an entire country who all wear black, apparently. What up, new cardinal?

Reginald Pole: I told everyone that Henry sucks, but we really need support to say it better. Mary’s Catholic *winkwinknudgenudge*

Spanish guy: Well, we do like Mary, cause she’s totally Spanish.

Reginald Pole: I could be king.

Spanish guy: Who are you again?

Robert Aske: The king likes us again!

Peasant: Cromwell still sucks though!

Peasant: I got this spam that says the king secretly wants to kill us!

Peasant: Naaaaaaaaaaaah.

Bowl of starfruit: I’m randomly exotic and pretty.

Henry: I know we said we wouldn’t kill the peasants, but Brandon, go kill them.

Brandon: They still say Cromwell sucks, though. What should I tell them?

Henry: Whatever, I don’t care anymore, I’m eating starfruit.

Brandon:

Robert Aske and peasants: We are totally homies, Brandon. If you kill Cromwell and his posse and destroy all the Protestant cack. By the way, we really like Princess Mary.

Brandon: Let’s talk about that later, okay?

Peasants: Right, let’s go home, then. We totally trust the king, he’s not at all capricious and crazy.

Robert Aske: Hey, the king wants me to come party with him at Christmas right after I led a rebellion against him! That’s not at all suspicious!

NEXT EPI:

Jane: I’m knocked up! Now that I’ve managed that, I’m totally bringing your other possibly-illegitimate daughter to court!

Henry: SIKE! I totally will kill all you peasants!

Brandon: Where’s the Witness Protection Program when you need it?

Henry: *does happy dance* Second wife is dead! Next wife on the Rotissamat!

Jane Seymour: I am so very happy and proper and English. I even pawn my jewelry to take care of my husband’s temporarily illegitimate daughter, cause I’m a feminist like that.

Princess Mary: *is totally legitimate again, for now!* But I’m still Catholic!

Henry: O rly?

Cromwell: Take that, monasteries!

Underling: We totally pwned the church. BTW, we’ve now stolen MEEELIONS of pounds from them!

Cromwell: That probably won’t end well.

The People of England: You bastards, you killed Kenny! We mean the monasteries.

Cromwell: *to king* This is TOTALLY not my fault.

Henry: I KEEL you! And kill all the peasants, too! You, Charles, kill them all!

Charles Brandon: Uh, right away my liege! I’m so totally not sympathetic to them at all! I really love Cromwell too and won’t turn on him later!

Cromwell:

Jane: Please don’t kill the women and children.

Henry: What are you, new here? *holds up head of previous wife*

Jane:

Henry: Cromwell, you said they’d LOVE it if we pwned the monasteries!

Cromwell: My bad.

Jane: *is secretly Catholic*

Henry: Are you still not pregnant? We’ve been married five whole minutes.

Jane:

Henry: Cromwell, take this down and proclaim it to the rebels: You all suck, but you have to do what I say, because I am your king.

Festering Wound on Henry’s Leg: Hello! I’ve finally decided to show up. Henry will now get morbidly obese!

Henry:

NEXT WEEK:

Henry: Damn! Another wife bites the dust!

Anne of Cleves: *is Joss Stone*

Henry:

Anne of Cleves: *is naked*

Henry: Jane and the first wife named Anne were hotter. Whose idea was this?

Anne of Cleves:

Cromwell:

Princess Mary: HE’S A WITCH! BURN HIM!

Cromwell: *points at Brandon* This is all his fault for not killing the women and children!

Charles Brandon: I really don’t want to kill everyone.

Henry: Do it or I KEEL you!

Charles Brandon:

Henry: