I tell my boys off-the-cuff fairy tales. This is often fun when I forget bits of the story one night and paste in bits of another story another night because I got them mixed up. I wing it, and I used to think they didn’t notice until they started pointing it out to me (“No, Mama, that was in Little Red Riding Hood” *rolling eyes at me*). Goldilocks is my boys’ favorite story. They request it almost every night at bedtime. I sit on their bed and attempt to tell the story, with much interruptions. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to tell a story off the top of your head with two people editorializing the entire time, but it’s hard to remember what the hell you were talking about.

At first the interruptions were just for them to self-righteously point out all of Goldilocks’ misbehavior. Then it was to do the voices of the bears, who are their favorite characters in the story. Now they want to tell parts of the story themselves. Tonight they proposed that there should be a sequel: The Three Bears Break Into Goldilocks’ House And Break Her Stuff. I told them we’d work on that one tomorrow.

Goldilocks usually goes something like this.

Me: “What story do you want tonight?”

D: “Goldilocks and the Three Bears!”

Me: “Let me hide my surprise. Okay-”

C: “I can do the ‘once upon a time’ part. Once upon a time there were three bears: a papa bear, a mama bear, and a baby bear. They lived in a house in the woods. And their porridge was too hot so they went for a walk. *deep voice* My porridge is too hot! *high-pitched voice* My porridge is-”

D, exasperated: “You forgot the Goldilocks breaking into their house part.”

Me: “Do you guys want me to tell the story?”

C: “Okay, Mama.”

Me: “So there were three bears, like C said. And they went for a walk in the woods. While they were out, a little girl named Goldilocks came along and she decided to go inside their house-”

D: “Without asking permission.”

Me: “Yes, without asking permission, and she saw their porridge on the table. First she tried the papa bear’s porridge, but it was too hot. Then she tried the mama bear’s porridge, but it was too cold. Then she tried the baby bear’s porridge, and it was just right, so she ate it all up.”

C: “That was not good to do.”

Me: “No, it wasn’t. Then she went to their living room-”

D: “And her sat in all their chairs. The papa bear’s was too hard, and the mama bear’s was too soft, and the baby bear’s was just right. But she broke it!”

C: “That not very nice.”

D: *nods very smugly, as if his own conduct is always impeccable*

Me: “So Goldilocks went upstairs to take a nap. The papa bear’s bed was too hard. The mama bear’s bed was too soft. But the baby bear’s bed was just right, so she fell asleep.”

D, cackling with evil glee: “And then the bears came home!”

Me: “And they looked at their porridge and the papa bear said-”

C, in a deep growl: “Someone been eating my porridge!”

Me: “And the mama bear said, Someone’s been eating my porridge! And the baby bear said-”

C, in a high-pitched baby voice: “Someone been eating my porridge, and they ate it all up!”

Me: “So the bears went into their living room, and the papa bear said, Someone’s been sitting in my chair, and the mama bear said, Someone’s been sitting in my chair, and the baby bear said-”

C, in the baby voice: “Someone been sitting in my chair, and them BROKE IT!”

D, now getting very excited for Goldilocks to get busted: “And then they WENT UPSTAIRS!”

C, talking so fast he’s almost unintelligible, in the bear voices: “Someone’s been sleeping in our beds, and that one was too soft, and the baby bear-”

Me: “Yes. Then the bears went upstairs. And the papa bear said, Someone’s been sleeping in my bed. And the mama bear said, Someone’s been sleeping in my bed. And the baby bear said-”

D, in an even higher-pitched voice than C can manage: “Someone’s been sleeping in my bed, and there her is!”

Me: “And Goldilocks woke up, and she screamed-”

C: “I can do that. Her went, Aaaaaahhhh!”

D: *falls over laughing*

C: “Then her ran out the door-”

D: “No, she jumped out the window.”

Me: “Then she ran far far away and never bothered the bears again.”

C: “Without asking permission.”

Me: “That’s right.”

I can only imagine what will happen in the sequel. Probably Goldilocks won’t survive it.