Moves in Curves

Is it odd that I can forgive historical inaccuracies in the plot more easily than I can in the clothes? Seriously, I’m totally willing to suspend my disbelief and pretend Henry VIII looked like Jonathan Rhys Meyers, for example, or that Lord Bothwell Duke of Orkney was a good guy, but damn, put the right shoes on them!

I love a good period film, I really do, and I love bitching about inaccuracies in the timeline or perceived characterizations of historical figures, and I even love giggling over who Hollywood casts to play those figures (that’s who you think Achilles looked like? Really?), but I really need them to wear the correct clothing to the time period. Inaccuracies in jewelry are a pet peeve of mine to a lesser degree, I don’t get nearly as worked up over using modern faceted gems in a time period hundreds of years before gems were faceted as I do about, for example, Richard III wearing a motorcycle jacket and pretending it’s a doublet.

This is why I love Rome right now. I got one look at their shoes and went into transports of archaeological delight. Yay HBO! Maybe you should show Showtime how to do garb research before they start filming the next season of the Tudors, eh? It gets progressively worse every year, despite plenty of archaeological evidence from the time period for the cut, construction, fabric, stitching, accessories, etc.

Henry: Y’all, it’s totally not my fault that I haven’t done the queen yet. Probably the Universe is against it. Am I right?

Courtiers: Uh, yeah, that makes sense.

Cromwell:

Brandon:

Henry: I don’t need to be friends with the Prods any more. There better be a way to get me out of this.

Brandon: Remember, it was all Cromwell’s idea.

Anne of Cleves: Yet again, I’m wearing totally kick-ass costume, except this weird thing across my chest. Hey Princess Mary, what up?

Mary: My cool hat totally doesn’t compete with your bangin’ costume, despite the weird thing across your chest.

Anne: I found you a boyfriend. My cousin, the Duke of Bavaria!

Mary: He’s a Prod, isn’t he?

Anne: He’s hot! What should I tell him?

Mary: I’m probably not going to get a better offer. Tell him to ask my dad but don’t get his hopes up.

Gregory Cromwell: Bet you didn’t know he had a kid, eh? Here’s your pills, Dad.

Cromwell: I’m instituting socially progressive policies left and right!

Gregory: Does the king still hate on you?

Cromwell: Don’t worry about that.

Brandon: Sorry you haven’t managed to catch ol’ Reggie Pole, Sir Eyepatch. The king’s kind of over it right now though.

Sir Eyepatch: Sheesh, why doesn’t he just sleep around like he used to?

Brandon: He needs some S&M or costumes or something now, I don’t know.

Sir Eyepatch: Oh, well I can help him with THAT, shoot. I can find a dozen freaky chicks.

Brandon:

Mary: Who the hell are you?

Random courtier – OR SO HE SEEMS!: You are SO. HOT.

Mary: Duke Philip of Bavaria?

Philip: Can I kiss your hand, if you know what I mean?

Mary: Wow, you’re way hot for a Prod.

Sir Eyepatch: I found a hussie to amuse the king. Catherine Howard. Distantly related to the Boleyns, as am I.

Brandon and Edward Seymour: Is she pretty? And young?

Catherine Howard: *is totally pretty and way too young for Henry* I’m barely literate and am clearly not the sharpest crayon in the box!

Brandon: Slut. He’s gonna love her.

Edward Seymour: She’s perfect.

Mary: I’m going to try to dress to outdo Anne this time. Dammit! Where does she get this wardrobe? Good thing I have great hair.

Anne: So, how did you like my cuz?

Mary: He was all right.

Anne: He’s smart and hot and likes you. What’s not to like?

Philip: I would totally be a rockin’ husband for Mary. How awesome am I?

Mary: *swoons*

Brandon: I think I can get you out on a technicality, Henry.

Henry: Who is THAT?

Edward: The king seems to have noticed you, Catherine. Just be yourself. He likes sluts.

Brandon: She’s a relation of the Duke of Norfolk.

Henry: She’s sluttastic. Bring her backstage *bowchickabowbow*

Catherine: *is giggly, young, and stupid*

Henry: Huh. I like her. She’s barely even literate.

Philip: *is really hot and sweet*

Mary: *kisses him* Damn, I like this guy.

Catherine: Can I touch your big ring, if you know what I mean?

Henry: Wow, you really are slutty.

Cromwell: Nonesuch is almost complete. Bet you thought we’d forgotten that subplot.

Henry: Let’s gift Catherine Howard with some crap we stole off other people. Land, and a house. And I hear we have a loophole in the wedding contract with Anne?

Cromwell: Not… really…

Henry: We’re still buds, you know.

Cromwell:

Brandon: The French might want to hang again. And they say you should get rid of Cromwell.

Henry:

Sir Eyepatch: *rowing down a really cool river set* Here’s some cheap plastic jewelry from the king. Oh and I brought him along. Late at night. Haha!

Henry: What up, slut. Let’s get it on.

Catherine: No one can roll around naked on a bed like a Boleyn girl.

Brandon: *is plotting with the Seymours, Sir Eyepatch, and some random bishop*

Gregory: You’re a grandpa! I have a son!

Cromwell:

Prince Edward: *is seriously cute*

Cromwell: *is under arrest* What the…? You all suck!

Mary: *is wearing a German style gown* I’m friendlier to Anne now that she set me up with her hottastic cousin! I love him!

Anne: You better sit down. Your dad sent Philip back to Bavaria.

Mary: Oh that’s… okay. I didn’t like him anyway.

Random Bishop: Cromwell sucks! Let’s kill him!

Crowd: He’s a witch! Burn him!

Bishop: *makes up some bullshit to slander Cromwell*

Crowd: Burn him!

Henry: Why don’t you take a vacation in the country, Anne?

Anne: Uh, thanks.

Henry: Seymour, make Cromwell sign something to back up my annulment.

Cromwell: *looks surprisingly skinny without his big robes*

Brandon: Write something to say Henry never did Anne, and never liked her, or he will keel you. Check out all the fur I’m wearing.

Cromwell: What? Uh, okay.

Brandon: *is enjoying this far too much*

Cromwell: *writes* Please please don’t kill me.

Brandon, Seymours, Eyepatch, and Bishop:

Lady Brandon: Y’all are a bunch of assholes.

Cromwell: Oh, man.

Headsman: *is drunk thanks to Eyepatch*

Seymour: Queen, your marriage is annulled.

Anne: Shit.

Seymour: You’ll get a bunch of money in a settlement, and the king will call you his Beloved Sister. If this were reality, you’d actually be on pretty good terms with him after this, and be the wife who lives the longest of all his wives.

Anne: I suppose that’s better than having sex with that horrible ulcer…

Crowd at execution: *is even less respectful than when Anne Boleyn was killed*

Cromwell: I’m really sorry, and the king is awesome.

Henry: Check out this ridiculous palace I’m building.

Catherine: Sweet. Is that a sex swing?

Henry: This probably won’t end well, but damn she’s hot.

Headsman: No Nearly Headless Nick jokes, please, this is actually quite horrifying.

Cromwell: Dude, make Anne look pretty if she isn’t hot enough.

Holbein: I’m not sure that’s a good idea.

Cromwell: Just do it. Council, France and Italy are bad, and they are out to get us. Holy Roman Empire and Spain too. And the Scots. Everyone hates us, basically.

Charles Brandon: Well, we do have an army.

Henry: The Pope is a bastard! He wants to take my money, which I took off the monasteries in the first place!

Council: How dare he!

Henry: I’ll go wander about the countryside so everyone can see how awesome I am. It’ll totally improve morale.

Edward Seymour: Suffolk, can I have a word?

Charles Brandon: *blows him off*

Cromwell: *cough* See, Anne of Cleves is way better than that Duchess you liked.

Henry: She looks pretty hot in this Holbein painting.

Cromwell: Um, yeah. We’d get some military backup from the Protestants if you married her.

Henry: I got 99 problems, and a bitch is one.

Random Soldiers: Oh shit! It’s the Spanish Armada!

Envoys to Duke of Cleves: Henry totally thinks your sister is hot.

Duke: O rly? He hasn’t sucked up enough.

Envoys:

Duke: Henry needs to come here and kiss my ass in person if he wants to marry my sister.

Henry: We’re all wearing a lot of fur this season. Good thing PETA isn’t around in the 16th century.

Charles Brandon: There’s a couple dozen Imperial ships in the channel. They swear they’re just merchants going back to Spain, and aren’t going to bomb us at all. False alarm?

Henry: Yo, Spanish Ambassador, I thought you’d finally gone. So Spain and France are BFFs and hate me?

Spanish Ambassador: No, it was all bullshit. Oh and the Duchess of Milan is single, actually.

Henry: Fucking French and Spanish assholes!

Spanish Ambassador:

Henry: Dammit, I could’ve married the Duchess and now I’m stuck with this Cleves chick.

Envoys: Henry says he will pay you for your sister, instead of you having to pay him.

Duke of Cleves: Oh, all right, I guess he can marry her.

Envoys:

Sir Eyepatch: *has Secret Decoder Ring* I know where Reggie Pole is!

Younger Seymour Brother:

Charles Brandon: I hear you’ve been made an earl, so I guess I’ll stop hating you. Don’t be suspicious.

Edward Seymour: I’m totally not! Let’s have a drink.

Charles Brandon: I have to pick up Anne of Cleves. Hopefully nothing goes wrong, if you know what I mean.

Edward Seymour: Yeah, that would suck, if you know what I mean.

Charles Brandon: Salut, if you know what I mean.

Princess Mary: Dad is marrying a Protestant and I get no one? WTF? I hope she dies!

Spanish Ambassador: It really is genetic.

Guys in Acorn Hats: Check out our cool German clothes. We speak very gut English, nein?

Anne of Cleves: I do exist! And yes, I’m Joss Stone. Totally hiding in this veil. And a creditable accent too, as dippy starlets go.

Charles Brandon: Please be hot, please be hot… Why are you still wearing that veil?

Anne of Cleves: So you teach me to gamble? Ze king, he likes to gamble?

Charles Brandon: The king likes to win, if you know what I mean.

Sir Eyepatch: The cardinal is in a brothel? Is that Jackie from That 70s Show?

Little Seymour Brother: Damn, wrong cardinal.

Sir Eyepatch: Well, at least the trip wasn’t a total loss. This is a rockin’ brothel.

Reggie Pole: *prays in random chapel*

Henry: How did you NOT SEE HER FACE?

Charles Brandon: She seemed all right.

Henry: The suspense is killing me.

Charles Brandon: I hear Sir Eyepatch went to kill Reggie Pole.

Henry: Frigging Reggie Pole! I hope he dies! Damn I’m really horny.

Charles Brandon:

Henry: If they couldn’t make me fat, they did make me smarmy and pretty greasy, too. Anne of Cleves, I come for you!

Anne of Cleves: *needs better makeup, but isn’t ugly.* I am wearing some totally rockin’ costuming! And I am totally afraid of the king!

Henry: You are way not as hot as I thought you’d be. Dammit!

Anne of Cleves: Neither are you.

Henry: I gotta dip, yo.

Anne:

Henry: I like her not, Cromwell! You are screwed!

Cromwell: Oh shit.

Henry: Why is the world shitting on me? That chick is so not hot! Damn all of you! I am totally going there, too: the Flanders Mare!

Envoy: This is so not my fauly.

Henry: Cromwell. I seem to recall this was all your idea.

Cromwell: I’m, uh, really sorry. The Spanish and French are BFFs again, so we really need the Germans. You’ve got to keep them happy, man.

Henry:

Cromwell:

Charles Brandon:

Edward Seymour:

Anne of Cleves: Seriously, could my clothes be any more awesome?

Princess Mary:

Princess Elizabeth: I still look a little weird. I think it’s the costumes.

Anne of Cleves: I don’t know how to speak to you English people. Um, hi.

Cromwell: Clap for her, lackeys! Clap!

Henry: So, here are my daughters, Mary and Elizabeth.

Anne: *totally gets along better with Elizabeth* Your daughters rock.

Cromwell: Clap again, lackeys!

Henry: I have lawyers figuring out how to get me out of this. If all else fails, I just write a new clause in my religion. I’ve gotten rid of two wives already.

Charles Brandon: Remember, this was all Cromwell’s idea.

Henry: I’m so glad we’re besties again and talk about everything.

Charles Brandon: Yeah, my agent made sure I got more screen time and got out of that damn hallucination storyline.

Cromwell: *spouts Protestant dogma to a lackey*

Lackey:

Henry: All the wardrobe money went to Anne of Cleves for this episode, so pretend you don’t notice that my jewelry is plastic. Cromwell, why the hell didn’t you get me out of this? I don’t want to sleep with her!

Cromwell:

Henry: I’m going to go get married to an ugly chick, and it’s all your fault.

Anne: Seriously, German costuming is just so much better than English. And I’m really REALLY terrified of Henry.

Henry: Flanders mare! Dammit, let’s just do this already.

Cromwell: *looks like he might throw up*

Charles Brandon, Edward and Mrs. Seymour:

Anne: Really, I’m not ugly. I’m actually pretty cute. What is Henry’s problem? Maybe it’s the accent.

Henry: Get out, lackeys, I’m going to try to sleep with Wife #4 now.

Anne: *is actually a pretty good likeness for the real Anne of Cleves. Well done, casting director*

Henry: You are boring. My second wife, also named Anne, was really wild in bed.

Anne:

Henry: The one woman I can’t bring myself to sleep with. Sheesh.

Cromwell: So, uh, how did last night go?

Henry: She’s smelly. And she’s totally a slut. So I didn’t do her. Go away.

Cromwell:

Charles Brandon and Edward Seymour: *conspiring*

Doctor: Once again, the pus is drained. Your leg will live another day.

Henry: Doc, I can’t do my wife. Normally I can do any chick. There must be something wrong with her.

Doctor:

Anne of Cleves: Hey Cromwell. Once again, I have a kick-ass outfit on.

Cromwell: Seriously, DO SOMETHING TO MAKE HENRY SLEEP WITH YOU.

Anne: I didn’t do anything. That sore on his leg is GROSS.

Cromwell: You better figure something out. You need him to knock you up.

Anne: That’ll be hard when the king won’t sleep with me.

Cromwell:

Anne: I am a nice person, so you can kiss my ass. Go away.

Cromwell: I am so screwed.

Lady in waiting: Are you pregnant yet?

Anne: NO.

Lady in waiting: Are you sure?

Anne: YES.

Lady in waiting: You’re still a virgin, aren’t you? Do you need me to draw a diagram for you?

Anne: GO AWAY.

Henry: Okay, I’m going to fake it til I make it. Nope, dammit, not happening. Stupid leg hurts.

Anne: Jeez. When is he going to go sleep in his own bed?

NEXT WEEK:

Lackeys: Cromwell, you’re under arrest.

Charles Brandon:

Henry: I need an annulment. Cromwell, sign this affidavit that I told you I never did Anne of Cleves.

Sir Eyepatch: I found a new chick for Henry. Catherine Howard. Hot and slutty, just like he likes them.

I’ve noticed something this season on tv. Characters hallucinating. Usually they see dead people (how cliche!), sometimes they see something really bizarre, like cartoon babies (not in an Ally McBeal kind of way though).

At least Scrubs was open about J.D.’s daydreams-slash-hallucinations. Remember the pimp ones? I love that show. It’s not going to be the same after Zach Braff leaves. Removing the central character didn’t work on That 70′s Show and will work even less on Scrubs. We need J.D.! These other shows haven’t featured daydreaming as a major storytelling element, so the fact that everyone and their dog is hallucinating this season makes me very annoyed. Can’t we think up anything else, writers? Clark Kent hallucinated an entire episode like two seasons ago. Been there, done that.

It seemed to start with the Dead Denny storyline on Grey’s Anatomy. Really not a fan of this. Denny was all right when he first was on the show, yes. I liked him. I liked Izzy back then, too. The last two seasons I can’t stand her. I really hoped they’d go ahead and write her off. Keep George! Get rid of Izzy! Izzy spent most of this season hallucinating about Denny, courtesy of brain tumors.

Next we saw it on Bones. Booth started having hallucinations of dead people. Then, maybe to one-up everyone else’s dead-people hallucinations, Booth started seeing Stewie from The Family Guy. Now, I can’t stand that show 90% of the time, but I do find Stewie funny on most occasions. It may or may not be the accent. Booth’s was, in a thirty-second diagnosis from Brennan, from a brain tumor. It was weird the way they did this, like they slapped on this five minutes of extra plot when they realized they weren’t keeping up with the full audiovisual hallucination trend (hey, Izzy had TACTILE hallucinations, too! So there!).

Dead people popped up again on The Tudors, in the form of murdered peasants stalking Charles Brandon, Duke of Suffolk. He never gets good storylines this season though, so this one seems to have been completely forgotten about. Maybe he found a Tudor therapist, who knows. Probably he just needs a better agent. Fortunately he’s been kicking some political butt since the writers forgot about his hallucinations (eat that, Cromwell!), so at least he’s still having some screen time.

A friend pointed out that House is a repeat offender in the “Entire last plot arc was a hallucination” category. Remember when that dude shot him? He only hallucinated like two episodes that time. This time I think he hallucinated a good half a dozen. I’m tired of seeing Amber. She was interesting alive, not so much dead. If House does time in a mental hospital, they will never be able to get malpractice insurance on him again. But who needs realism?

If Lost turns out to all be a hallucination by whiny-ass Jack, I’m going to be really pissed off.

Henry: Charles, you’ve been my BFF a long time now. I’m after Cromwell and want you to be in charge of shit. And we bond over mutual grief, since our lives are both in the crapper.

Charles Brandon: I’m starting to not look as hot, either.

Henry: Yeah, me too, but at least I’m not fat.

Sir Eyepatch: Hey, Lady Salisbury, we’re arresting you and your fam. Even your wee little grandson. Haha!

Henry: So, I’m thinking about marrying a French girl.

French Ambassador: Everybody loves a French girl.

Henry: Yeah, I love the hos. So, the one who’s slutty and already has two kids, can I marry her?

French Ambassador: Uh, she’s marrying the king of Scotland.

Henry: Tell Francois that the Scottish king sucks!

French Ambassador: Yeah but she’s basically already married.

Henry: That’s never stopped me before.

French Ambassador: *makes risque joke about virgins*

Henry:

Salisbury grandson: *is in the Tower of London* I’m a little brat!

Guard:

Henry: The French are being French again. Cromwell, is there anybody good to marry in the Holy Roman Empire?

Brandon: I found a good one. She likes hunting and gambling.

Henry: Hey, rock on.

Cromwell: Where’s the Dutch ambassador?

Dutch Ambassador: Wasn’t I the bad cardinal in the Kevin Costner Robin Hood movie?

IMDb: As usual, I can’t be bothered updating cast info for this show.

Lord Montague: Why am I in trouble because my brother’s an asshole?

Edward Seymour: Have you met Henry? Oh by the way I have a letter you wrote that says Henry sucks and you want him to die.

Lord Montague:

Henry: Stupid leg wound. I can’t even dance with the court hos now. Eyepatch, make up some evidence so we can kill Reggie Pole’s mama. Oh and quit sleeping with teenage kids.

Eyepatch:

Cromwell: The Emperor’s niece is hot according to the Dutch ambassador. And Anne of Cleves is supposed to rock.

Henry: That’s not what I heard.

Cromwell: But she’s Protestant, and um, that would be politically good for a number of reasons.

Henry: Whatever, send Holbein to do sketches of the niece.

Dutch Ambassador: It would be really good if you could marry Henry.

Emperor’s niece: Uh-huh. How many wives has he had now?

Dutch Ambassador:

Sir Eyepatch: Damn, this bitch has no paper trail. Do I have to make something up? Hey, these banners are wicked treasonous!

Lady Salisbury: I was holding those for a friend.

Edward Seymour: She’s a witch! Burn her!

Lady Salisbury: I’m an old lady and can’t help myself.

Edward Seymour: I really have some anger management problems.

Henry: The Emperor’s niece is wicked hot. Oh and I’m starting to lose my shit again.

Charles Brandon:

Henry: MY LEG!

Charles Brandon: Get a doctor! The blood poisoning must be going to his head and making him crazier than he normally is!

Edward Seymour: Why don’t you let me see the king?

Charles Brandon: Cause you’re a tool. Oh, fine, go see his ass.

Edward Seymour: What the hell?

Charles Brandon: We’re waiting for his leg ulcer to explode. Again.

Doctor: He needs antibiotics, but they’re not invented yet, so I’m going to sit and get paid to do nothing. Being a doctor has always ruled!

Charles Brandon: Lackey, go put a bunch of guards around Princess Mary, cause if Henry dies, the shit will hit the fan. By the way, my hallucination plot has fallen by the wayside. Now that everyone on tv is doing that this season, I had to do something else. Hey Cromwell, go call the surgeon, this shit isn’t working the way that doctor said.

Cromwell:

Surgeon: Please don’t kill me for this.

Henry:

Edward VI: How cute am I? Check me out with my daddy.

Henry: Yes, that’s right, cheering crowds, I’ve finally got a son. My leg is freakin’ killing me. I’m done playing Daddy now, let the nannies continue to raise him now. So, Cromwell, what’s the haps with the potential wives?

Cromwell: You missed the boat on your favorite French chick, she married the Scottish king while you were sick. The Emperor doesn’t want you to marry his niece cause she’s related to your first wife.

Henry: Screw him, I’ll marry who I want. Why do you think I broke from the pope? But I gotta have a picture of the chick.

Sir Eyepatch: Haha, I’m sleeping with Edward Seymour’s wife again.

Mrs. Seymour: *makes sacrilegious joke*

Sir Eyepatch: I knew I liked you. And not just cause you’re too dumb not to gossip in bed.

Mrs. Seymour: So are you.

Lord Montague: I want a lawyer. Where’s my due process?

Edward Seymour: Are you new here? Have you met Henry?

Lord Montague: You know the king usually screws over his favorite lackeys, right?

Edward Seymour: Whatever, dude.

Henry: Is Holbein trustworthy in these sketches? I need a world tour of hos to pick a new wife in person. Sigh.

Cromwell: *cough*AnneofClevesftw!*cough*

Henry: Go away.

Religious lackey: I’m here to narc on some people being too Protestant.

Henry: Burn them.

Religious lackey: Um, the dude I’m narcing on is friends with Cromwell, and he’s been protecting him while you’ve been sick and crazy and not paying attention.

Henry: O rly?

Princess Mary: Is my dad getting married or what?

Spanish Ambassador: Nobody really *wants* to marry him. Eventually he’ll marry you off to somebody.

Princess Mary: Why has he got the Poles locked up?

Spanish Ambassador: Well, they’re on your dad’s shitlist.

Princess Mary: I blame Cromwell. He’s of the devil. I want to burn him.

Spanish Ambassador: Well then I see it’s genetic.

Henry: Frenchy, I’m having a hard time choosing between hos based on pictures. Have Francois send a bunch of them for me to look over.

French Ambassador: Yeah, that won’t go over well.

Henry: I’m tired of marrying disappointing bitches. I don’t trust anybody to pick a good wife for me.

French Ambassador: Why don’t you just sleep with all of them to audition them?

Henry: I KEEL YOU! And now that I’m pissed off – CROMWELL! Who is this dude you’re friends with that’s a Prod?

Cromwell: Whatever you want, man, just don’t kill me.

Henry: Well, I’m going to burn him. By the way, I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel now – how about those Cleves girls?

Cromwell: Anne ftw!

Duke of Cleves: So, Henry wants to marry my sisters?

Envoys: Yeah, Cromwell thinks he should marry Anne. And we’d like Princess Mary to marry your son, too. Can we meet your sisters? And take their pictures?

Duke of Cleves: What the hell for?

Envoys: He won’t marry a ho unless he sees her. We’ll bring Holbein.

Duke of Cleves: Is my country a meat market?

Envoys: The world is Henry’s meat market, dude.

Cromwell: Dude. Quit being a dick and agree with Henry, cause he will totally kill you.

John Lambert the Protestant: You suck, man. You totally sold out to the man.

Cromwell: Well, I tried.

Lambert: *is burned alive*

Cromwell: So, Henry, Princess Mary wants you to not kill Lady Salisbury.

Henry: Tell her to suck it.

Cromwell: Uh, the Duke of Cleves is kind of being a jerk and won’t let his painted do a picture of Anne.

Henry: Then you better get Holbein out there, huh?

Cromwell: I am so screwed.

Duke of Cleves: I’ve decided you may look at my sisters after all. But with veils on. Haha!

Envoys: Um. Are you fucking with us?

Edward Seymour: I’ve come back to torment you, Lady Salisbury.

Lady Salisbury: *loses her shit completely* I don’t wanna die!

Reggie Pole: Holy crap, you’re the tallest cardinal I’ve ever seen! Are you a giant? Oh, um, Henry killed my mama and brother!

Giant Cardinal: Quit being a wuss. This is going to work in our favor.

Reggie Pole:

Giant Cardinal: Seriously. Knock that shit off.

Edward Seymour: Hey, little Salisbury grandkid. It’s your turn to die now.

Henry: My doublet is awesome, but my bearskin rug is missing the ladies. Haha, Reggie Pole. I keel your family.

NEXT WEEK:

Cromwell: Yes, I’m still alive. You have a lot of enemies, and if you marry Anne of Cleves, we’ll have more soldiers.

Henry: She better be hot.

Charles Brandon: This bitch has a lot of pressure, huh? Better be hot for Henry and to save Cromwell’s ass, better have military might to save England…

Anne of Cleves: