I love a good period film, I really do, and I love bitching about inaccuracies in the timeline or perceived characterizations of historical figures, and I even love giggling over who Hollywood casts to play those figures (that’s who you think Achilles looked like? Really?), but I really need them to wear the correct clothing to the time period. Inaccuracies in jewelry are a pet peeve of mine to a lesser degree, I don’t get nearly as worked up over using modern faceted gems in a time period hundreds of years before gems were faceted as I do about, for example, Richard III wearing a motorcycle jacket and pretending it’s a doublet.

This is why I love Rome right now. I got one look at their shoes and went into transports of archaeological delight. Yay HBO! Maybe you should show Showtime how to do garb research before they start filming the next season of the Tudors, eh? It gets progressively worse every year, despite plenty of archaeological evidence from the time period for the cut, construction, fabric, stitching, accessories, etc.

Courtiers: Uh, yeah, that makes sense.

Cromwell:

Brandon:

Henry: I don’t need to be friends with the Prods any more. There better be a way to get me out of this.

Brandon: Remember, it was all Cromwell’s idea.

Anne of Cleves: Yet again, I’m wearing totally kick-ass costume, except this weird thing across my chest. Hey Princess Mary, what up?

Mary: My cool hat totally doesn’t compete with your bangin’ costume, despite the weird thing across your chest.

Anne: I found you a boyfriend. My cousin, the Duke of Bavaria!

Mary: He’s a Prod, isn’t he?

Anne: He’s hot! What should I tell him?

Mary: I’m probably not going to get a better offer. Tell him to ask my dad but don’t get his hopes up.

Gregory Cromwell: Bet you didn’t know he had a kid, eh? Here’s your pills, Dad.

Cromwell: I’m instituting socially progressive policies left and right!

Gregory: Does the king still hate on you?

Cromwell: Don’t worry about that.

Brandon: Sorry you haven’t managed to catch ol’ Reggie Pole, Sir Eyepatch. The king’s kind of over it right now though.

Sir Eyepatch: Sheesh, why doesn’t he just sleep around like he used to?

Brandon: He needs some S&M or costumes or something now, I don’t know.

Sir Eyepatch: Oh, well I can help him with THAT, shoot. I can find a dozen freaky chicks.

Brandon:

Mary: Who the hell are you?

Random courtier – OR SO HE SEEMS!: You are SO. HOT.

Mary: Duke Philip of Bavaria?

Philip: Can I kiss your hand, if you know what I mean?

Mary: Wow, you’re way hot for a Prod.

Sir Eyepatch: I found a hussie to amuse the king. Catherine Howard. Distantly related to the Boleyns, as am I.

Brandon and Edward Seymour: Is she pretty? And young?

Catherine Howard: *is totally pretty and way too young for Henry* I’m barely literate and am clearly not the sharpest crayon in the box!

Brandon: Slut. He’s gonna love her.

Edward Seymour: She’s perfect.

Mary: I’m going to try to dress to outdo Anne this time. Dammit! Where does she get this wardrobe? Good thing I have great hair.

Anne: So, how did you like my cuz?

Mary: He was all right.

Anne: He’s smart and hot and likes you. What’s not to like?

Philip: I would totally be a rockin’ husband for Mary. How awesome am I?

Mary: *swoons*

Brandon: I think I can get you out on a technicality, Henry.

Henry: Who is THAT?

Edward: The king seems to have noticed you, Catherine. Just be yourself. He likes sluts.

Brandon: She’s a relation of the Duke of Norfolk.

Henry: She’s sluttastic. Bring her backstage *bowchickabowbow*

Catherine: *is giggly, young, and stupid*

Henry: Huh. I like her. She’s barely even literate.

Philip: *is really hot and sweet*

Mary: *kisses him* Damn, I like this guy.

Catherine: Can I touch your big ring, if you know what I mean?

Henry: Wow, you really are slutty.

Cromwell: Nonesuch is almost complete. Bet you thought we’d forgotten that subplot.

Henry: Let’s gift Catherine Howard with some crap we stole off other people. Land, and a house. And I hear we have a loophole in the wedding contract with Anne?

Cromwell: Not… really…

Henry: We’re still buds, you know.

Cromwell:

Brandon: The French might want to hang again. And they say you should get rid of Cromwell.

Henry:

Sir Eyepatch: *rowing down a really cool river set* Here’s some cheap plastic jewelry from the king. Oh and I brought him along. Late at night. Haha!

Henry: What up, slut. Let’s get it on.

Catherine: No one can roll around naked on a bed like a Boleyn girl.

Brandon: *is plotting with the Seymours, Sir Eyepatch, and some random bishop*

Gregory: You’re a grandpa! I have a son!

Cromwell:

Prince Edward: *is seriously cute*

Cromwell: *is under arrest* What the…? You all suck!

Mary: *is wearing a German style gown* I’m friendlier to Anne now that she set me up with her hottastic cousin! I love him!

Anne: You better sit down. Your dad sent Philip back to Bavaria.

Mary: Oh that’s… okay. I didn’t like him anyway.

Random Bishop: Cromwell sucks! Let’s kill him!

Crowd: He’s a witch! Burn him!

Bishop: *makes up some bullshit to slander Cromwell*

Crowd: Burn him!

Henry: Why don’t you take a vacation in the country, Anne?

Anne: Uh, thanks.

Henry: Seymour, make Cromwell sign something to back up my annulment.

Cromwell: *looks surprisingly skinny without his big robes*

Brandon: Write something to say Henry never did Anne, and never liked her, or he will keel you. Check out all the fur I’m wearing.

Cromwell: What? Uh, okay.

Brandon: *is enjoying this far too much*

Cromwell: *writes* Please please don’t kill me.

Brandon, Seymours, Eyepatch, and Bishop:

Lady Brandon: Y’all are a bunch of assholes.

Cromwell: Oh, man.

Headsman: *is drunk thanks to Eyepatch*

Seymour: Queen, your marriage is annulled.

Anne: Shit.

Seymour: You’ll get a bunch of money in a settlement, and the king will call you his Beloved Sister. If this were reality, you’d actually be on pretty good terms with him after this, and be the wife who lives the longest of all his wives.

Anne: I suppose that’s better than having sex with that horrible ulcer…

Crowd at execution: *is even less respectful than when Anne Boleyn was killed*

Cromwell: I’m really sorry, and the king is awesome.

Henry: Check out this ridiculous palace I’m building.

Catherine: Sweet. Is that a sex swing?

Henry: This probably won’t end well, but damn she’s hot.

Headsman: No Nearly Headless Nick jokes, please, this is actually quite horrifying.

Holbein: I’m not sure that’s a good idea.

Cromwell: Just do it. Council, France and Italy are bad, and they are out to get us. Holy Roman Empire and Spain too. And the Scots. Everyone hates us, basically.

Charles Brandon: Well, we do have an army.

Henry: The Pope is a bastard! He wants to take my money, which I took off the monasteries in the first place!

Council: How dare he!

Henry: I’ll go wander about the countryside so everyone can see how awesome I am. It’ll totally improve morale.

Edward Seymour: Suffolk, can I have a word?

Charles Brandon: *blows him off*

Cromwell: *cough* See, Anne of Cleves is way better than that Duchess you liked.

Henry: She looks pretty hot in this Holbein painting.

Cromwell: Um, yeah. We’d get some military backup from the Protestants if you married her.

Henry: I got 99 problems, and a bitch is one.

Random Soldiers: Oh shit! It’s the Spanish Armada!

Envoys to Duke of Cleves: Henry totally thinks your sister is hot.

Duke: O rly? He hasn’t sucked up enough.

Envoys:

Duke: Henry needs to come here and kiss my ass in person if he wants to marry my sister.

Henry: We’re all wearing a lot of fur this season. Good thing PETA isn’t around in the 16th century.

Charles Brandon: There’s a couple dozen Imperial ships in the channel. They swear they’re just merchants going back to Spain, and aren’t going to bomb us at all. False alarm?

Henry: Yo, Spanish Ambassador, I thought you’d finally gone. So Spain and France are BFFs and hate me?

Spanish Ambassador: No, it was all bullshit. Oh and the Duchess of Milan is single, actually.

Henry: Fucking French and Spanish assholes!

Spanish Ambassador:

Henry: Dammit, I could’ve married the Duchess and now I’m stuck with this Cleves chick.

Envoys: Henry says he will pay you for your sister, instead of you having to pay him.

Duke of Cleves: Oh, all right, I guess he can marry her.

Envoys:

Sir Eyepatch: *has Secret Decoder Ring* I know where Reggie Pole is!

Younger Seymour Brother:

Charles Brandon: I hear you’ve been made an earl, so I guess I’ll stop hating you. Don’t be suspicious.

Edward Seymour: I’m totally not! Let’s have a drink.

Charles Brandon: I have to pick up Anne of Cleves. Hopefully nothing goes wrong, if you know what I mean.

Edward Seymour: Yeah, that would suck, if you know what I mean.

Charles Brandon: Salut, if you know what I mean.

Princess Mary: Dad is marrying a Protestant and I get no one? WTF? I hope she dies!

Spanish Ambassador: It really is genetic.

Guys in Acorn Hats: Check out our cool German clothes. We speak very gut English, nein?

Anne of Cleves: I do exist! And yes, I’m Joss Stone. Totally hiding in this veil. And a creditable accent too, as dippy starlets go.

Charles Brandon: Please be hot, please be hot… Why are you still wearing that veil?

Anne of Cleves: So you teach me to gamble? Ze king, he likes to gamble?

Charles Brandon: The king likes to win, if you know what I mean.

Sir Eyepatch: The cardinal is in a brothel? Is that Jackie from That 70s Show?

Little Seymour Brother: Damn, wrong cardinal.

Sir Eyepatch: Well, at least the trip wasn’t a total loss. This is a rockin’ brothel.

Reggie Pole: *prays in random chapel*

Henry: How did you NOT SEE HER FACE?

Charles Brandon: She seemed all right.

Henry: The suspense is killing me.

Charles Brandon: I hear Sir Eyepatch went to kill Reggie Pole.

Henry: Frigging Reggie Pole! I hope he dies! Damn I’m really horny.

Charles Brandon:

Henry: If they couldn’t make me fat, they did make me smarmy and pretty greasy, too. Anne of Cleves, I come for you!

Anne of Cleves: *needs better makeup, but isn’t ugly.* I am wearing some totally rockin’ costuming! And I am totally afraid of the king!

Henry: You are way not as hot as I thought you’d be. Dammit!

Anne of Cleves: Neither are you.

Henry: I gotta dip, yo.

Anne:

Henry: I like her not, Cromwell! You are screwed!

Cromwell: Oh shit.

Henry: Why is the world shitting on me? That chick is so not hot! Damn all of you! I am totally going there, too: the Flanders Mare!

Envoy: This is so not my fauly.

Henry: Cromwell. I seem to recall this was all your idea.

Cromwell: I’m, uh, really sorry. The Spanish and French are BFFs again, so we really need the Germans. You’ve got to keep them happy, man.

Henry:

Cromwell:

Charles Brandon:

Edward Seymour:

Anne of Cleves: Seriously, could my clothes be any more awesome?

Princess Mary:

Princess Elizabeth: I still look a little weird. I think it’s the costumes.

Anne of Cleves: I don’t know how to speak to you English people. Um, hi.

Cromwell: Clap for her, lackeys! Clap!

Henry: So, here are my daughters, Mary and Elizabeth.

Anne: *totally gets along better with Elizabeth* Your daughters rock.

Cromwell: Clap again, lackeys!

Henry: I have lawyers figuring out how to get me out of this. If all else fails, I just write a new clause in my religion. I’ve gotten rid of two wives already.

Charles Brandon: Remember, this was all Cromwell’s idea.

Henry: I’m so glad we’re besties again and talk about everything.

Charles Brandon: Yeah, my agent made sure I got more screen time and got out of that damn hallucination storyline.

Cromwell: *spouts Protestant dogma to a lackey*

Lackey:

Henry: All the wardrobe money went to Anne of Cleves for this episode, so pretend you don’t notice that my jewelry is plastic. Cromwell, why the hell didn’t you get me out of this? I don’t want to sleep with her!

Cromwell:

Henry: I’m going to go get married to an ugly chick, and it’s all your fault.

Anne: Seriously, German costuming is just so much better than English. And I’m really REALLY terrified of Henry.

Henry: Flanders mare! Dammit, let’s just do this already.

Cromwell: *looks like he might throw up*

Charles Brandon, Edward and Mrs. Seymour:

Anne: Really, I’m not ugly. I’m actually pretty cute. What is Henry’s problem? Maybe it’s the accent.

Henry: Get out, lackeys, I’m going to try to sleep with Wife #4 now.

Anne: *is actually a pretty good likeness for the real Anne of Cleves. Well done, casting director*

Henry: You are boring. My second wife, also named Anne, was really wild in bed.

Anne:

Henry: The one woman I can’t bring myself to sleep with. Sheesh.

Cromwell: So, uh, how did last night go?

Henry: She’s smelly. And she’s totally a slut. So I didn’t do her. Go away.

Cromwell:

Charles Brandon and Edward Seymour: *conspiring*

Doctor: Once again, the pus is drained. Your leg will live another day.

Henry: Doc, I can’t do my wife. Normally I can do any chick. There must be something wrong with her.

Doctor:

Anne of Cleves: Hey Cromwell. Once again, I have a kick-ass outfit on.

Cromwell: Seriously, DO SOMETHING TO MAKE HENRY SLEEP WITH YOU.

Anne: I didn’t do anything. That sore on his leg is GROSS.

Cromwell: You better figure something out. You need him to knock you up.

Anne: That’ll be hard when the king won’t sleep with me.

Cromwell:

Anne: I am a nice person, so you can kiss my ass. Go away.

Cromwell: I am so screwed.

Lady in waiting: Are you pregnant yet?

Anne: NO.

Lady in waiting: Are you sure?

Anne: YES.

Lady in waiting: You’re still a virgin, aren’t you? Do you need me to draw a diagram for you?

Anne: GO AWAY.

Henry: Okay, I’m going to fake it til I make it. Nope, dammit, not happening. Stupid leg hurts.

Anne: Jeez. When is he going to go sleep in his own bed?

NEXT WEEK:

Lackeys: Cromwell, you’re under arrest.

Charles Brandon:

Henry: I need an annulment. Cromwell, sign this affidavit that I told you I never did Anne of Cleves.

Sir Eyepatch: I found a new chick for Henry. Catherine Howard. Hot and slutty, just like he likes them.

At least Scrubs was open about J.D.’s daydreams-slash-hallucinations. Remember the pimp ones? I love that show. It’s not going to be the same after Zach Braff leaves. Removing the central character didn’t work on That 70′s Show and will work even less on Scrubs. We need J.D.! These other shows haven’t featured daydreaming as a major storytelling element, so the fact that everyone and their dog is hallucinating this season makes me very annoyed. Can’t we think up anything else, writers? Clark Kent hallucinated an entire episode like two seasons ago. Been there, done that.

It seemed to start with the Dead Denny storyline on Grey’s Anatomy. Really not a fan of this. Denny was all right when he first was on the show, yes. I liked him. I liked Izzy back then, too. The last two seasons I can’t stand her. I really hoped they’d go ahead and write her off. Keep George! Get rid of Izzy! Izzy spent most of this season hallucinating about Denny, courtesy of brain tumors.

Next we saw it on Bones. Booth started having hallucinations of dead people. Then, maybe to one-up everyone else’s dead-people hallucinations, Booth started seeing Stewie from The Family Guy. Now, I can’t stand that show 90% of the time, but I do find Stewie funny on most occasions. It may or may not be the accent. Booth’s was, in a thirty-second diagnosis from Brennan, from a brain tumor. It was weird the way they did this, like they slapped on this five minutes of extra plot when they realized they weren’t keeping up with the full audiovisual hallucination trend (hey, Izzy had TACTILE hallucinations, too! So there!).

Dead people popped up again on The Tudors, in the form of murdered peasants stalking Charles Brandon, Duke of Suffolk. He never gets good storylines this season though, so this one seems to have been completely forgotten about. Maybe he found a Tudor therapist, who knows. Probably he just needs a better agent. Fortunately he’s been kicking some political butt since the writers forgot about his hallucinations (eat that, Cromwell!), so at least he’s still having some screen time.

A friend pointed out that House is a repeat offender in the “Entire last plot arc was a hallucination” category. Remember when that dude shot him? He only hallucinated like two episodes that time. This time I think he hallucinated a good half a dozen. I’m tired of seeing Amber. She was interesting alive, not so much dead. If House does time in a mental hospital, they will never be able to get malpractice insurance on him again. But who needs realism?

If Lost turns out to all be a hallucination by whiny-ass Jack, I’m going to be really pissed off.

Charles Brandon: I’m starting to not look as hot, either.

Henry: Yeah, me too, but at least I’m not fat.

Sir Eyepatch: Hey, Lady Salisbury, we’re arresting you and your fam. Even your wee little grandson. Haha!

Henry: So, I’m thinking about marrying a French girl.

French Ambassador: Everybody loves a French girl.

Henry: Yeah, I love the hos. So, the one who’s slutty and already has two kids, can I marry her?

French Ambassador: Uh, she’s marrying the king of Scotland.

Henry: Tell Francois that the Scottish king sucks!

French Ambassador: Yeah but she’s basically already married.

Henry: That’s never stopped me before.

French Ambassador: *makes risque joke about virgins*

Henry:

Salisbury grandson: *is in the Tower of London* I’m a little brat!

Guard:

Henry: The French are being French again. Cromwell, is there anybody good to marry in the Holy Roman Empire?

Brandon: I found a good one. She likes hunting and gambling.

Henry: Hey, rock on.

Cromwell: Where’s the Dutch ambassador?

Dutch Ambassador: Wasn’t I the bad cardinal in the Kevin Costner Robin Hood movie?

IMDb: As usual, I can’t be bothered updating cast info for this show.

Lord Montague: Why am I in trouble because my brother’s an asshole?

Edward Seymour: Have you met Henry? Oh by the way I have a letter you wrote that says Henry sucks and you want him to die.

Lord Montague:

Henry: Stupid leg wound. I can’t even dance with the court hos now. Eyepatch, make up some evidence so we can kill Reggie Pole’s mama. Oh and quit sleeping with teenage kids.

Eyepatch:

Cromwell: The Emperor’s niece is hot according to the Dutch ambassador. And Anne of Cleves is supposed to rock.

Henry: That’s not what I heard.

Cromwell: But she’s Protestant, and um, that would be politically good for a number of reasons.

Henry: Whatever, send Holbein to do sketches of the niece.

Dutch Ambassador: It would be really good if you could marry Henry.

Emperor’s niece: Uh-huh. How many wives has he had now?

Dutch Ambassador:

Sir Eyepatch: Damn, this bitch has no paper trail. Do I have to make something up? Hey, these banners are wicked treasonous!

Lady Salisbury: I was holding those for a friend.

Edward Seymour: She’s a witch! Burn her!

Lady Salisbury: I’m an old lady and can’t help myself.

Edward Seymour: I really have some anger management problems.

Henry: The Emperor’s niece is wicked hot. Oh and I’m starting to lose my shit again.

Charles Brandon:

Henry: MY LEG!

Charles Brandon: Get a doctor! The blood poisoning must be going to his head and making him crazier than he normally is!

Edward Seymour: Why don’t you let me see the king?

Charles Brandon: Cause you’re a tool. Oh, fine, go see his ass.

Edward Seymour: What the hell?

Charles Brandon: We’re waiting for his leg ulcer to explode. Again.

Doctor: He needs antibiotics, but they’re not invented yet, so I’m going to sit and get paid to do nothing. Being a doctor has always ruled!

Charles Brandon: Lackey, go put a bunch of guards around Princess Mary, cause if Henry dies, the shit will hit the fan. By the way, my hallucination plot has fallen by the wayside. Now that everyone on tv is doing that this season, I had to do something else. Hey Cromwell, go call the surgeon, this shit isn’t working the way that doctor said.

Cromwell:

Surgeon: Please don’t kill me for this.

Henry:

Edward VI: How cute am I? Check me out with my daddy.

Henry: Yes, that’s right, cheering crowds, I’ve finally got a son. My leg is freakin’ killing me. I’m done playing Daddy now, let the nannies continue to raise him now. So, Cromwell, what’s the haps with the potential wives?

Cromwell: You missed the boat on your favorite French chick, she married the Scottish king while you were sick. The Emperor doesn’t want you to marry his niece cause she’s related to your first wife.

Henry: Screw him, I’ll marry who I want. Why do you think I broke from the pope? But I gotta have a picture of the chick.

Sir Eyepatch: Haha, I’m sleeping with Edward Seymour’s wife again.

Mrs. Seymour: *makes sacrilegious joke*

Sir Eyepatch: I knew I liked you. And not just cause you’re too dumb not to gossip in bed.

Mrs. Seymour: So are you.

Lord Montague: I want a lawyer. Where’s my due process?

Edward Seymour: Are you new here? Have you met Henry?

Lord Montague: You know the king usually screws over his favorite lackeys, right?

Edward Seymour: Whatever, dude.

Henry: Is Holbein trustworthy in these sketches? I need a world tour of hos to pick a new wife in person. Sigh.

Cromwell: *cough*AnneofClevesftw!*cough*

Henry: Go away.

Religious lackey: I’m here to narc on some people being too Protestant.

Henry: Burn them.

Religious lackey: Um, the dude I’m narcing on is friends with Cromwell, and he’s been protecting him while you’ve been sick and crazy and not paying attention.

Henry: O rly?

Princess Mary: Is my dad getting married or what?

Spanish Ambassador: Nobody really *wants* to marry him. Eventually he’ll marry you off to somebody.

Princess Mary: Why has he got the Poles locked up?

Spanish Ambassador: Well, they’re on your dad’s shitlist.

Princess Mary: I blame Cromwell. He’s of the devil. I want to burn him.

Spanish Ambassador: Well then I see it’s genetic.

Henry: Frenchy, I’m having a hard time choosing between hos based on pictures. Have Francois send a bunch of them for me to look over.

French Ambassador: Yeah, that won’t go over well.

Henry: I’m tired of marrying disappointing bitches. I don’t trust anybody to pick a good wife for me.

French Ambassador: Why don’t you just sleep with all of them to audition them?

Henry: I KEEL YOU! And now that I’m pissed off – CROMWELL! Who is this dude you’re friends with that’s a Prod?

Cromwell: Whatever you want, man, just don’t kill me.

Henry: Well, I’m going to burn him. By the way, I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel now – how about those Cleves girls?

Cromwell: Anne ftw!

Duke of Cleves: So, Henry wants to marry my sisters?

Envoys: Yeah, Cromwell thinks he should marry Anne. And we’d like Princess Mary to marry your son, too. Can we meet your sisters? And take their pictures?

Duke of Cleves: What the hell for?

Envoys: He won’t marry a ho unless he sees her. We’ll bring Holbein.

Duke of Cleves: Is my country a meat market?

Envoys: The world is Henry’s meat market, dude.

Cromwell: Dude. Quit being a dick and agree with Henry, cause he will totally kill you.

John Lambert the Protestant: You suck, man. You totally sold out to the man.

Cromwell: Well, I tried.

Lambert: *is burned alive*

Cromwell: So, Henry, Princess Mary wants you to not kill Lady Salisbury.

Henry: Tell her to suck it.

Cromwell: Uh, the Duke of Cleves is kind of being a jerk and won’t let his painted do a picture of Anne.

Henry: Then you better get Holbein out there, huh?

Cromwell: I am so screwed.

Duke of Cleves: I’ve decided you may look at my sisters after all. But with veils on. Haha!

Envoys: Um. Are you fucking with us?

Edward Seymour: I’ve come back to torment you, Lady Salisbury.

Lady Salisbury: *loses her shit completely* I don’t wanna die!

Reggie Pole: Holy crap, you’re the tallest cardinal I’ve ever seen! Are you a giant? Oh, um, Henry killed my mama and brother!

Giant Cardinal: Quit being a wuss. This is going to work in our favor.

Reggie Pole:

Giant Cardinal: Seriously. Knock that shit off.

Edward Seymour: Hey, little Salisbury grandkid. It’s your turn to die now.

Henry: My doublet is awesome, but my bearskin rug is missing the ladies. Haha, Reggie Pole. I keel your family.

NEXT WEEK:

Cromwell: Yes, I’m still alive. You have a lot of enemies, and if you marry Anne of Cleves, we’ll have more soldiers.

Henry: She better be hot.

Charles Brandon: This bitch has a lot of pressure, huh? Better be hot for Henry and to save Cromwell’s ass, better have military might to save England…

Anne of Cleves:

Lackey: That’s me.

Assassing: *bang*

(Note to assassins: Drop the gun when you run. There’s no forensics in the 16th century. You’re less obvious when you’re NOT carrying a smoking gun.)

Cromwell: From now on, nobody talk to strangers. Let’s find a new queen for the king.

New Lackey: How is he?

Cromwell: Crying like a little girl. Only lets Argus Filch take care of him.

Henry: Life sucks. I’m totally going emo.

Filch: So, it really sucks how your wives keep dying, huh? I’m actually Will Summers, the court fool, by the way.

Henry: U DON’T NO ME! GO AWAY!

Princess Mary: I’ll tell little Edward all about his mama, who was a rockin’ stepmom.

Edward’s Governess (Mama Eyepatch): The king seems to actually give a crap about this wife’s death.

Princess Mary: Funny, huh?

Governess: So, you going to marry that prince?

Mary: Eh. So how’s ol’ Eyepatch doing?

Governess: He seems to have disappeared.

Eyepatch: Thanks for the segue. I’m totally bacchanaling it up in France.

Frenchman: Whores! Get out! You, Eyepatch, do you have a passport?

Eyepatch: I’ll show you my passport when you hand over Pole.

Frenchman: You don’t scare me, Eeenglishman.

Eyepatch: *handily captures him* Haha! I pwn you! Hand his ass over or I keel you!

Henry: My resemblance to crazy Howard Hughes is purely coincidental. Check out my fly drawings of an imaginary castle. I’m way losing it.

Filch: I’m not sure I actually am Filch, but IMDb’s been lax on updating cast info for this series.

IMDb:

Filch: Maybe I am Filch. I sure look like him. Remember when I played Cohen the Barbarian? I really rock.

IMDb: *cough* Off topic.

Filch: Sorry. Maybe you’re hallucinating, Henry-King.

Henry:

Reginald Pole: I’m kind of skeert Totally sleeping with the light on.

Pole’s Lackey: Is this a dagger I see before me?

Eyepatch: Haha! I keel you! Wait a minute, whatthe-!

Little Seymour Brother: He must’ve jumped out the window.

Eyepatch: Well, that didn’t go as planned.

Charles Brandon: It took 15 minutes for me to make an appearance? Man this season sucks. So, wife, you don’t look happy to be knocked up.

Lady Brandon: Yeah cause you KILLED ALL THOSE PEASANT BABIES!

Brandon: Man, that keeps coming back to bite me in the ass.

Henry: Now I’m playing cards. You *know* I’m bored. At least I’m apparently managing to shave. That means I’m not totally nuts yet. My imaginary castle will RULE when I build it. And I will call it Nonsuch.

Filch: Uh-huh. Do you have any eights?

Court Guard: People are killing each other left and right!

Cromwell: Why are you so incompetent?

Guard:

Mama Eyepatch: The king is totally paranoid about germs and poison around the baby prince.

Eyepatch: Yet you let me in here

Edward Seymour: What the devil are you doing next to my nephew?

Eyepatch: I’m totally the king’s homie.

Edward Seymour: I know you been jeepin’ with my wife, too.

Cromwell: The king wants to blow even more money. Hand it over.

Treasurer: This looks expensive.

Cromwell: Good thing we stole all that money off the monasteries.

Henry: So, Fool, what commandments would be good?

Filch: How about some risque ones?

Henry: Hey I totally know my Exodus.

Filch: I know a few too. And I can totally make them risque.

Henry: Wow, I’m really drunk. And now I hit the crying phase. I totally miss my wife, who I cheated on with her lady-in-waiting.

Filch: You’ll get over it. Why don’t you sleep around some more?

Guard 1: People are killing each other left and right again!

Guard Captain: Knock that shit off, y’all!

Random Bad Guy: Whatever

Cromwell: This is totally sucking. Henry will blame it all on me, like he does with everything lately. Guards, go kill everyone.

Random Bad Guys: Damn, we’re wearing some really nice slash-n-pouf garb, eh?

Guard Captain: *dies*

Edward Seymour: I am TOTALLY in charge of the little prince while Henry’s all emo!

Cromwell: Okay, councillors, we need to figure this shit out. People are dropping like flies from the flies and the king is batshit.

Brandon: It’s all your fault, Cromwell.

Cromwell: No you!

Brandon: No you! I’m way better than you, dude!

Councillors: Yeah, what he said!

Cromwell:

Edward Seymour: Why you been jeepin, woman?

Mrs. Seymour: Oh, like you care

Henry: Watch out, I’ve got a cane and soon the obesity will set in!

Cromwell: Uh, the king of France says congratulations on your boy.

Henry: Send along some whiny emo song lyrics to him to express my despair. Is everyone wearing Michael Jackson masks around my boy? You know if he gets a sniffle, I will keel you.

Cromwell: So, um, have you thought about getting a new wife?

Henry: Sure. I do like the ladies.

Cromwell: Well, I found two French chicks- dude did you just fade out of consciousness?

Spanish Ambassador: I’m one of the longest-running characters on this show. I can’t believe no one’s killed me yet. So, Mary, gossip says your dad wants to get married again.

Mary: I want to get married too

Henry: Look, I’m outside! Hey, old mistress, I’m going to marry you off to someone.

Mistress: Don’t worry about me, I’m good.

Henry: No hard feelings then. One for the road?

Mistress: Only if you bathe. Uh, you look a little twitchy.

Henry: So, Eyepatch, how come you didn’t manage to kill Pole?

Eyepatch: He’s not as dumb as we thought.

Henry: I will cut his heart out with a spoon!

Elderly Cardinal: The Pope’s glad you didn’t kick it, Reggie.

Reginald Pole: I’m a slippery bastard. I’m kind of worried about my mom, though, she’s still in England near that crazy bastard.

Elderly Cardinal: I blame Cromwell. You can’t worry about your mom now. Allow me to give you a disturbing snake analogy.

Reginald Pole:

Henry: Why is your shit not together, religious flunky? I have to do everything myself.

Flunky: I’ll just ask the Bishop of Canterbury-

Henry: NO! I KEEL YOU! Do it yourself!

Flunky: Okay, so, here’s our Articles of Faith, they’re quite similar to Catholicism, yes?

Cromwell:

Brandon:

Henry: There’s nothing in there against being skanky, right? I like the skanks.

Flunky: Don’t worry.

Henry: Good.

Brandon: Well done, religious lackeys. That was way better than the crap that Cromwell wanted.

Henry:

Cromwell:

Cromwell’s BFF: What the hell just happened here?

Cromwell: Henry’s always been Catholic, he just wanted to be in charge.

NEXT TIME:

Henry: Bring me a picture of these hos if you want me to marry one. And implicate Reggie Pole’s mama so we can kill her.

Pope: Let’s kill Henry!

Henry: Whatever. Check out my toy boat.

Cromwell: Um. Reginald Pole, your cousin, is a cardinal now, and wrote this pamphlet about how much you suck.

Henry: I paid for his ass to learn to write.

Cromwell: This is totally not my fault

Henry: My toy boat really kicks ass.

Robert Aske: *is going to be hanged*

Mini-Brandon: Right on ya for killing the peasants, Dad.

Brandon:

Lady Brandon: Try not to kill too many people.

Brandon: At least I have my hot armor on again.

Red-headed Darcy Lackey: I have a name!

IMDb: You do not appear to be the guy from 13th Warrior after all.

Red-headed Darcy Lackey: Hey, please don’t kill me. I’ll sign this thing that says the king is our new pope.

Judge: The king will show you mercy

Brandon’s soldiers: *killing anything that moves*

Brandon: This season bites. Um, you traitorous villains! I totally will keel all of… oh, fuck it. Soldiers, kill them. I’m going to the pub.

Henry: I totally like my wife again now that she’s knocked up. I love her so much that I might not even sleep with my mistress today.

Jane: I’m gonna wash that man right outta my… what?

Brandon: God is gonna get me. Stupid king

Priest: Robert Aske, I am your homie.

Robert Aske: *is wrapped in chains* I’m a little peeved right now, dude. Cromwell totally sucks.

Priest: How can I help you?

Robert Aske: Have you seen me? I’m screwed. Oh, but you can take the rhinestone Princess Mary gave me, and give it to my wife.

Brandon: I killed a thousand people today. I must get up very early in the morning.

Jane: Check out my bump, bitches.

Court lackeys: The Queen is knocked up!

Henry: Eyepatch, go tell King Francois how much Reginald Pole sucks, and get him to let you kill ol’ Reggie.

Sir Eyepatch: That sounds like a downer.

Henry: What the hell good are you, then? Bring him to me alive *sinister eyebrow twitch*

Sir Eyepatch:

Jane: Bro, what is Cromwell up to now?

Edward: Taking bribes, what does it look like?

Jane: OMG that sucks.

Edward: He gives Henry a cut. Who cares?

Jane:

Sir Eyepatch: Hey Queen’s Sister-in-Law, want a quickie before I leave to kill a cardinal?

Mrs. Seymour: We might get caught.

Sir Eyepatch: And?

Mrs. Seymour: That’s hot.

Aske family: Dad?

Mrs. Aske: WTF. Why are you in chains?

Robert Aske: I’m a bad, bad man.

Mrs. Aske:

Brandon: *is wearing a kick-ass outfit to the hanging*

Robert Aske: I have a long religious monologue before I die. It’s in my contract. Oh and Suffolk, I totally forgive you for letting Cromwell hang me.

Brandon:

Cromwell: Haha, I totally pwned all the rebel scum. I rule.

Sir Eyepatch: Yo, Frenchy, can I have that cardinal? I brought the queen’s other brother along. Apparently she has more than one.

Frenchman: Your muzzer was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries.

Sir Eyepatch: Henry is crazy and will keel you all.

Frenchman: Uh-huh. Have a nice day.

Sir Eyepatch: Even though Henry told me to bring Pole back along, I’m totally going to kill him.

Spanish Ambassador: What up, ur majesty. We really want Princess Mary to marry the Portuguese prince. He’s really awesome.

Henry: My daughter kind of sucks. Will he be nice to her?

Spanish Ambassador: He might be gay.

Henry: Maybe you should run along.

Spanish Ambassador: I’ll just go talk to Mary behind your back.

Henry and Jane:

Mary: I really have great hair. Check out my fly headdress, too.

Spanish Ambassador: The Don totally would be a good hubby to you. Your mom would have liked him.

Mary: Is he hot?

Spanish Ambassador: Uh, sure. And not gay at all.

Mary:

Henry: Hey religious people that I own, why do you not do what I tell you? I’m the pope now! Get your shit together.

Jane: Henry! Drop everything and come feel the baby kick!

Henry: It’s totally a boy! You’re the best wife EVER!

Mini-Brandon: What’s wrong Dad?

Brandon: It’s all right, Daddy’s just having a wee little hallucination of one of the peasants I killed.

Mini-Brandon:

Henry: Edward, when my wife has her baby, I want you to set fire to anything that will burn as celebration.

Edward Seymour: Awesome. Hey, uh, is Cromwell cool?

Henry: Why does everyone want to meddle? Did I mention how I killed the brother of my last wife?

Edward:

Jane: Hey, lady-in-waiting, I know you’re doing my husband. Whoops, my water just broke.

*exciting music*

Henry: Get everyone in to watch! And tell the world my wife’s in labor! Tell Cromwell I won’t kill him if it’s a boy!

Jane: Y’all might think this rules, but it sucks for me.

Historical Accuracy: Will I show up today? Who knows!

Mary: My dead mother will totally help you have this baby, Stepmom. Catholic sisterhood ftw!

Jane: Whatever.

Henry: Please be a boy, please be a boy! Why is this taking so long?

Brandon: I swear, I don’t feel bad about killing all those people. Really. Seriously. The king told me to, and he’s the pope now. So it was okay. Right? Right.

Lady Brandon: I’m pregnant.

Brandon: What?

Jane: Longest. Labor. Ever.

Doctors: *ominous music* This is a scalpel.

Jane:

Historical Accuracy: We’re discussing c-sections! I’m outta here! The real queen died almost two weeks after having Edward VI, and therefore could not possibly have had a c-section, which always resulted in death then.

Edward: IT’S A BOY!

Henry: I knew I picked a winner this time! Who’s the man!

Jane: Historical Accuracy and I have decided to be besties after all. I did not have a c-section.

Princess Mary: Good one. High five!

Henry: I will love him, and hug him, and squeeze him, and call him Edward the Sixth.

Princess Elizabeth: Having a brother is cool, but chicks rule.

Princess Mary: Boys are more important.

Elizabeth: Whatever.

Princess Mary: I am totally godmother!

Doctor: Um, your majesty, the queen’s gonna die.

Henry: Dammit! I wasn’t even going to kill this one!

Jane: Sorry, dude, my contract only goes through this episode.

NEXT WEEK:

Henry:

Cromwell: I am sooooo screwed.

Brandon:

Cromwell: I’ll distract him with a new wife. That will totally work.

Cromwell: I have a bad feeling about this.

Robert Aske: Why am I here again?

Edward Seymour (the queen’s brother): Write down all the bad things you did and sign it. It totally won’t be used against you later.

Robert Aske: Oh, okay.

Holbein: Pardon my bad haircut, but I knocked out your mistress’s husband, Mr. Henry King.

Henry: Rock on, brother.

Sir Eyepatch:

Mistress’s Husband: Holbein sucks!

Henry: Ur woman’s a HOOOOOR! And Holbein pwns you!

Mistress’s Husband: I love Holbein. And your majesty. My woman’s totally a whore.

Princess Mary: Hey Dad, you remember my old governess? Pay attention, important plot point.

Henry: Sure. Countess Salisbury, you’re a very preeminent woman who used to hire people to watch my kid. How’s your son, my cousin, Reginald Pole?

Audience: Ohhhhhhh. That’s who that guy was last week.

Margaret Salisbury: He’s in Italy, totally not doing anything at all Catholic like becoming a cardinal.

Henry: Didn’t I thump him once for thwarting me?

Salisbury:

Jane: I’ve temporarily convinced Princess Mary to like Princess Elizabeth, check it out.

Elizabeth: *is weird-looking somehow*

Henry: Oh, her. Yeah, I like her right now too. She’s the only Tudor thus far in the show to actually look like a Tudor.

Elizabeth: It’s the red hair.

Robert Aske: I should be more suspicious than I am.

Henry: I’m so not going to kill you Thanks for writing down all the illegal shit you did, btw.

Robert Aske: Wow, you’re a rockin’ king. The Duke of Suffolk said you wouldn’t kill everyone?

Henry: Yeah, I told Charles to say that. Don’t tell anyone, but I’m going to kill Cromwell soon.

Robert Aske:

Sir Eyepatch: I get the sex scenes that would have gone to Brandon in season 1!

Naked chick: I like to do some foreshadowing during sex. My husband, Edward Seymour, will kill you for doing me.

Sir Eyepatch: That’s hot.

Princess Mary: Hey, Aske, what up?

Robert Aske: The people love you! Your mom was the best queen ever!

Princess Mary: Here, have a rhinestone.

Edward Seymour: Hey sis. Nice fur hat. BTW, Dad’s dead.

Jane: What?

Seymour: Smile for the paparazzi, sis. I didn’t tell you cause I didn’t want to rock the royal boat.

Henry: I’ve TOTALLY forgiven all the peasants. No really. I’m SUCH a nice guy and will TOTALLY keep my promises.

Robert Aske: Yo guys, the king is totally not full of crap!

Darcy: We decided he sucks after all, and are planning to try that whole rebellion thing again.

Red-headed Darcy Lackey: Wasn’t I in “The 13th Warrior”?

IMDb: You’re not important enough for a credit, so who knows.

Lackey: Aww.

IMDb: Suck it, lackey.

Jane: Princess Mary rules. Elizabeth does too. I’ve got such a happy little blended family. Life rules.

Militantly Protestant Lady-In-Waiting: The king is sleeping with your other lady-in-waiting, you know, the one that isn’t an actual historical person.

Jane: Whatever, I’m totally knocked up.

Henry: Hey, this Holbein portrait of my historically inaccurate mistress will be totally famous someday. Brandon, kill all the peasants.

Brandon: I thought you were going to do a parliament?

Henry: Fuck that shit.

Brandon: This season really sucks for me. Maybe I’ll take off my shirt later.

Cromwell: Yeah, Brandon! Haha!

Henry: You shut up, Cromwell.

Cromwell:

Henry: That’s right, peasants! I totally keel you all when you’re not looking! Suck it, bitches!

Brandon: This season sucks. I haven’t gotten any scenes with naked young ladies since season 1. Where’s my agent?

Henry: That’s what you get for not killing the peasants the first time I told you to kill them.

Peasants: Here, eat some rabbit.

Ominous Horse With No Rider: *looks ominous*

Arrows: Die peasants!

Peasants: Run away! Run away!

Peasants: They totally pwned us, Robert Aske. We’re so screwed.

Robert Aske:

Cromwell: The peasants armored up? Let’s kill them all!

Charles Brandon: Hey, check me out, I look pretty hot in armor. Oh yeah, you’re all gonna die.

Peasant: Bloody aristo! You suck! Where’s a guillotine when you need one!

Charles Brandon: Not invented yet, sucka!

Peasant women: Don’ttakehimIlovehim!

Peasants: *are hanged without due process, but wearing surprisingly accurate hosen*

Charles Brandon: Damn, this really sucks. Those bitches be crying and I STILL haven’t had a sex scene. I think I’ll hang out in a pub in my sexy armor, cause wearing 40lbs of plate and maille is really comfy to get your drink on.

Lackey: The king says kill the peasant rebel leaders that he said he wouldn’t kill.

Brandon:

Darcy: God on hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh, hear my praaaaaaaaaaaaaayer…

Brandon: What?

Darcy: Sorry, I just like to show off my rockin’ falsetto.

Brandon: Um, okay. So, the king says you got some ‘splaining to do, Lucy.

Robert Aske: I’m sure the king won’t kill me, but Cromwell totally would. Save us.

Brandon: Yeah, he sucks. I’ll get right on that after I get out of this armor, it’s starting to chafe.

Robert Aske: Yorkshire rules! Moritori vos salutamus!

Henry: Why the hell are you eating that shit?

Jane: I TOTALLY HAVE WACKY PREGNANCY CRAVINGS!

Henry: You’re my favorite wife EVER!

Jane: I’m wearing a really kick-ass crown, too. Check out all my pearls.

Henry: I can’t believe it took you three episodes to get knocked up. Stupid festering leg wound.

Festering Leg Ulcer: Hey, I didn’t stop you from doing the lady-in-waiting, sucka.

Edward Seymour: Haha, suckas! You gonna die! Bloody peasants!

Charles Brandon: Hey Eyepatch, here’s Robert Aske.

Sir Eyepatch: Yeah, I’m taking you to the Tower so Cromwell can question you.

Robert Aske: What the?

Charles Brandon: This is totally not my fault.

Cromwell: BTW Brandon, you’ve been really nice to all these Catholic people. You only killed 74 people. What up with that?

Brandon: What the?

Cromwell: YOU LOVE THE POPE! THE KING TOLD ME SO!

Brandon: Oh for crying out loud.

Cromwell: Go kill the peasants properly this time.

Darcy: Two four six oh ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNE!

Cromwell: You are so screwed, Darcy. Check out this confession you signed. Totally admissable in a court of law.

Robert Aske: The abbeys were awesome. We loved the abbeys. We were going to marry the abbeys. You suck, Cromwell. You’re leading our beloved king astray.

Cromwell: So you hate the king.

Robert Aske: What? Were you even listening?

Darcy: This is all your fault, Javert.

Cromwell: It’s Cromwell, actually. I’m working really hard to make it not my fault.

Darcy: The king’s totally going to kill you.

Cromwell: My wardrobe this season has been pretty limited, so you’re probably right.

Charles Brandon: You know, I’m really tired of killing people.

Lady Brandon, Duchess of Suffolk: I know. You’ve been talking in your sleep, babe.

Brandon: What? That could have been a nude scene for me. What is up with this season?

Lady Brandon: Dunno, yo. I never got a sex scene with you. You had all those with your Season One whores.

Brandon: We both got jacked.

Lady Brandon: Totally. Oh yeah, don’t kill the women and children. Or I will hate you forever.

Brandon: Nobody gets me. I’m going to start wearing guyliner and listening to emo bands.

Henry: What up, Mr. Aske. I’m wearing one of the most historically accurate costumes yet, check it out. Oh yeah, and Cromwell says you love the abbeys. Why don’t you marry them then, huh?

Robert Aske: Please don’t kill me.

Henry: The monks all suck! They had more money than me and didn’t have to marry a bunch of sucky women who wouldn’t have a son like they were supposed to and have crazy sisters who sleep with your best friend back when he was allowed to have sex scenes!

Robert Aske: What?

Henry: Uh, the monks all suck. They were bad, bad men. You should agree with everything I say, I’m king.

Robert Aske: I really don’t want you to kill me.

Henry: Everyone loves me. Excuse me while I go mount Colm Wilkinson’s head on a wall with the other rebel scum.

Sir Eyepatch: There’s a French dude here with a box of eggs. WTF, Henry?

Henry: They’re for my wife. Who’s PREGNANT!

NEXT EPI:

Robert Aske: Uh-oh.

Jane: I’m in labor already? Didn’t I just get knocked up last week?

Henry: What is this “c-section” you speak of?

Historical Accuracy: I’m apparently taking this episode off. My contract only allows me to appear in 60% of plots and characters and 40% of costuming.

Jane: Crap. I had such nice jewelry, too.

Peasants: We come in peace – shoot to kill, men.

Darcy: *pens letter to king* Dude, this is totally not my fault. And I’m way not Catholic, either.

Henry: Damned leg boo-boo! Damned quack doctors!

Doctors:

Henry: Darcy had better kill those bloody peasants, too. Where’s Charles Brandon? And Shrewsbury? Why doesn’t anybody do what I tell them to?

Darcy, Brandon, Shrewsbury: *are incompetent*

Henry: *massages temple in manner of Scar in The Lion King* I’m surrounded by idiots.

Ulcerating sore on Henry’s leg: Haha! I laugh at your pathetic poultices!

Henry: Damn my leg hurts. I need a topless doctor.

Sir Francis Bryan: My eyepatch is wicked cool. I know some hot chicks who will totally party with you.

Hot chick: Would your majesty like anything else? *bowchickabowbow*

Henry: Sir Eyepatch, you are totally my new BFF for this!

Random cardinal: The pope wants you to write something to tell everyone Henry sucks and his friends all suck and the Pope totally rules. We’ll give you this fly red hat if you do it.

Reginald Pole: I have a bad feeling about this.

Robert Aske and peasants: We’re still pissed off, and Brandon doesn’t have enough soldiers to kill us.

Brandon: You guys totally suck! Go away or I keel you all!

Peasants: Uh-huh

Brandon: Dude, I thought we were homies. BFFs. What the dillio?

Peasants: Henry sucks. We want to tell him so.

Brandon: Um. Darcy, why are you here?

Darcy: I’m Colm Wilkinson.

Brandon: Right. Want to kill some peasants with me?

Darcy: No, I’m BFFs with them now.

Brandon:

Henry: I hope no one notices my bad leg.

Jane: Henry will love me if I pretend I can’t smell his leg. By the way, husband, I brought your daughter to court. We’re homies cause we’re both Catholic. Did I say that out loud?

Princess Mary: What up, y’all?

Henry: Is she still a virgin? Eyepatch, go find out.

Sir Francis: *makes repellent pass at Mary*

Mary: A sphincter says what?

Sir Francis: What?

Mary: A sphincter says what?

Sir Francis: Totally a virgin.

Henry: I’m a totally rockin’ king. Y’all peasants all suck for saying I suck. Catholicism sucks and so do you!

Robert Aske and peasants: We’re still BFFs, dude.

Henry: GOD’S HOLY WORD! Ignorant peasants!

Peasants: Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!

Henry: I keel you all! But if you go away, I won’t make Brandon kill you all.

Sir Francis Eyepatch: *is suddenly ubiquitous*

Peasants: Brandon, the king is full of crap, and we’re totally not going home. Tilling fields sucks.

Brandon: I’m a nice guy, can’t you just go away so I don’t have to kill you?

Peasants: No.

Brandon:

Thomas Cromwell: I’m not dead yet.

Jane: Seriously, people would like you better if you stopped trashing the abbeys.

Henry: Get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!

Jane:

Spanish guy: Hi, I’m Spanish. We’re an entire country who all wear black, apparently. What up, new cardinal?

Reginald Pole: I told everyone that Henry sucks, but we really need support to say it better. Mary’s Catholic *winkwinknudgenudge*

Spanish guy: Well, we do like Mary, cause she’s totally Spanish.

Reginald Pole: I could be king.

Spanish guy: Who are you again?

Robert Aske: The king likes us again!

Peasant: Cromwell still sucks though!

Peasant: I got this spam that says the king secretly wants to kill us!

Peasant: Naaaaaaaaaaaah.

Bowl of starfruit: I’m randomly exotic and pretty.

Henry: I know we said we wouldn’t kill the peasants, but Brandon, go kill them.

Brandon: They still say Cromwell sucks, though. What should I tell them?

Henry: Whatever, I don’t care anymore, I’m eating starfruit.

Brandon:

Robert Aske and peasants: We are totally homies, Brandon. If you kill Cromwell and his posse and destroy all the Protestant cack. By the way, we really like Princess Mary.

Brandon: Let’s talk about that later, okay?

Peasants: Right, let’s go home, then. We totally trust the king, he’s not at all capricious and crazy.

Robert Aske: Hey, the king wants me to come party with him at Christmas right after I led a rebellion against him! That’s not at all suspicious!

NEXT EPI:

Jane: I’m knocked up! Now that I’ve managed that, I’m totally bringing your other possibly-illegitimate daughter to court!

Henry: SIKE! I totally will kill all you peasants!

Brandon: Where’s the Witness Protection Program when you need it?

Jane Seymour: I am so very happy and proper and English. I even pawn my jewelry to take care of my husband’s temporarily illegitimate daughter, cause I’m a feminist like that.

Princess Mary: *is totally legitimate again, for now!* But I’m still Catholic!

Henry: O rly?

Cromwell: Take that, monasteries!

Underling: We totally pwned the church. BTW, we’ve now stolen MEEELIONS of pounds from them!

Cromwell: That probably won’t end well.

The People of England: You bastards, you killed Kenny! We mean the monasteries.

Cromwell: *to king* This is TOTALLY not my fault.

Henry: I KEEL you! And kill all the peasants, too! You, Charles, kill them all!

Charles Brandon: Uh, right away my liege! I’m so totally not sympathetic to them at all! I really love Cromwell too and won’t turn on him later!

Cromwell:

Jane: Please don’t kill the women and children.

Henry: What are you, new here? *holds up head of previous wife*

Jane:

Henry: Cromwell, you said they’d LOVE it if we pwned the monasteries!

Cromwell: My bad.

Jane: *is secretly Catholic*

Henry: Are you still not pregnant? We’ve been married five whole minutes.

Jane:

Henry: Cromwell, take this down and proclaim it to the rebels: You all suck, but you have to do what I say, because I am your king.

Festering Wound on Henry’s Leg: Hello! I’ve finally decided to show up. Henry will now get morbidly obese!

Henry:

NEXT WEEK:

Henry: Damn! Another wife bites the dust!

Anne of Cleves: *is Joss Stone*

Henry:

Anne of Cleves: *is naked*

Henry: Jane and the first wife named Anne were hotter. Whose idea was this?

Anne of Cleves:

Cromwell:

Princess Mary: HE’S A WITCH! BURN HIM!

Cromwell: *points at Brandon* This is all his fault for not killing the women and children!

Charles Brandon: I really don’t want to kill everyone.

Henry: Do it or I KEEL you!

Charles Brandon:

Henry: